


If You Loved Me

by HeyYousGuys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 45,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyYousGuys/pseuds/HeyYousGuys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prologue: "They were bonded. Not by blood, as brothers are bonded. And not by familiar love, as two close friends are bonded. But by something more. They were soul mates. Of the worst variety.<br/>They had grown up in separate states, with separate friends, at separate schools; and if it hadn’t been for familial ties, they might never have met at all. But circumstances beyond their control, events that took place before either of their births, laid a path that would thrust them together repeatedly, each time the results more devastating than the last."</p><p>When Karen Milton married Bobby Winchester, their two families became one big happy family. Karen's nephew Castiel and Bobby's nephew Dean were inseparable from the moment toddler Dean held baby Castiel in his arms. As they go through childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, life continues to give them obstacles, which they face both together and apart. But when life seems determined to keep them apart, how hard are Dean and Cas willing to fight to be together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue/Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am going to apologize right now for the Mpreg. I hate Mpreg and would normally never include it in a story. However, this story is adapted from a novel I wrote in 2009. I had to do some heavy editing, including adding Mpreg to fit with one of the major plot lines in the story.

Prologue

 

They were bonded. Not by blood, as brothers are bonded. And not by familiar love, as two close friends are bonded. But by something more. They were soul mates. Of the worst variety.

They had grown up in separate states, with separate friends, at separate schools; and if it hadn’t been for familial ties, they might never have met at all. But circumstances beyond their control, events that took place before either of their births, laid a path that would thrust them together repeatedly, each time the results more devastating than the last.

 

Chapter 1

 

It was the summer of 1975 and Karen Milton had finally adjusted to life after her husband’s death. Juggling two kids and a career while battling her grief had been taxing, but Karen had made it out on the other side and was looking forward to better things to come. Bobby Winchester, on the other hand, was enjoying the bachelor life. No strings attached, nothing tying him down, free to do what he wanted, life was sweet for Bobby indeed.

Bobby’s brother John, worrying about the lack of love in Bobby’s life, set him up on a blind date. Bobby agreed, if only to cease John’s nagging. Little did he know he would meet his soul mate, his future wife. A beautiful wedding ceremony, the signing of adoption papers, and a new house brought about a new life for Karen and Bobby.

Bobby took Karen’s children, Adam and Michael, under his wing. They were like his own biological children. He didn’t feel the dissonance that some adoptive parents feel; rather he took to the children naturally, easing quickly into fatherhood, never once missing his old bachelor life. 

Some say love trumps all else, and for Bobby Winchester that certainly was true. He had previously thought of marriage as binding, a great weight holding him down and keeping him from doing the things he wanted. Instead, he found it freeing. He had never realized how much he wanted to coach the baseball team or spend the day at the water park. He had never thought that tossing a two year old in the air and hearing the child’s laughter could fill him so completely. And so, three years after meeting, Bobby and Karen became a family. Old scars healed and happy memories replaced the sad ones. 

\- - - - -

Several years after their new life together began, Bobby’s brother John welcomed a baby boy into the family: Dean. He was the first Winchester grandchild, but he still had many people to love him, many people to look out for him. Dean’s beautiful dark blond hair contrasted delicately with his pale, freckled skin. Though most of the Winchesters had dark hair and brown eyes, Dean’s blond hair and green eyes made him stand out in the most beautiful way. A way that made people turn their heads and notice the child, who was oblivious to the true beauty he possessed. 

Two and a half years later, Karen’s brother Chuck welcomed his first: a beautiful baby boy named Castiel, the seventh of what would eventually be 32 Milton grandchildren. Cas was a stark physical contrast to Dean: dark hair and stunning blue eyes. In contrast to Dean’s probing green eyes that were often alight with curiosity, Cas’s blue eyes held a wisdom beyond his years. It was as though he already knew the secrets of the universe, but was simply waiting for life experience to admit it. 

Castiel and Dean. The names flowed together, sounded great together. But at the time no one could know how well the two would fit together. At the time they were a toddler holding a baby, a photo op if nothing else. After obeying his parent’s wishes to hold the baby, Dean jumped off of the chair and headed off with his cousins, happy to be able to play again. And as Castiel’s mother set him back in his carrier, baby Castiel had no way of knowing that this would not be last time Dean would hold him in his arms. 

\- - - - -

In the coming years, the two children grew to become the best of friends. Everyday that their parents allowed it, the children played together. And when their parents had other obligations, the kind of adult obligations that keep childhood playmates apart, the children relentlessly begged to be together again. Relatives noticed very early on how close the two boys were becoming. They began making jokes about puppy love at such an early age, at how the young toddlers might one day marry. 

But these were just jokes. Life was never taken seriously in the Winchester and Milton families. As Grandpa Milton put it, “Life’s too short to be so serious.” Grandma Winchester echoed those sentiments in her own way, “God will work things out for you, no sense in giving yourself wrinkles over something you can’t control.” And so, for now, they were just jokes.

 

As Castiel’s fourth birthday neared, his father Chuck accepted a promotion across the country, on the opposite coast. The sprawling coastline of Massachusetts was not enough to captivate him any longer and he opted to move his wife and son across the country to the bustling seaports of Seattle, to a much better job and, subsequently, a much better life.

As they had been instructed to do so, Castiel and Dean hugged each other goodbye. At four and six, they couldn’t grasp the concept that they wouldn’t see their friend as often; that they wouldn’t play with their best buddy every day as usual. This was to be the first of many goodbye hugs between the two.

\- - - - -

“Dean!” a thrilled eight year old Castiel screamed, jumping out of the back of the car and running to the open arms of his favorite friend. Though they saw each other for one week every year, they still greeted as though it had been a lifetime. To them, it might as well have been a lifetime. 

“Cas, guess what,” a ten year old Dean whispered into Castiel’s ear.

“What?” he whispered back, careful not to let grown-ups interfere with their bonding.

“I already found the best hiding spot for this year’s hide and seek games! We can share it.”

“Show me!”

The two scampered off as Cas’s parents finished grabbing their luggage out of the trunk. Chuck stretched his arms and shoulders, tired from the long flight and loading of luggage into the rental car. Cas’s mother, Becky, grabbed two bags from the trunk and, along with her husband, headed toward the houseful of people.

Inside, Bobby and Karen’s house was crawling with family. Karen’s large family filled most of the space, with Bobby’s smaller family filling in the rest. Tents and campers dotted the front yard, as was tradition. Although the house had six bedrooms, the tents and campers allowed the almost 75 visitors to sleep on one sprawling property together, providing plenty of opportunities for bonding. In the years to come, the number of people would only grow, increasing the number of tents and campers and decreasing the amount of free space. But both families were happy to share the same space for the week, knowing it meant many happy memories and plenty of companionship for the long weekend. And though blood joined the Winchesters to the Winchesters and the Miltons to the Miltons, love bound both families together. And as Karen and Bobby, two separate people, had become one, so too had their two separate families become one.

The summer get-togethers had originally been to celebrate Grandma Winchester’s birthday. Through time, though, they grew into a family ritual. Family, in their case, meant anyone they loved, regardless of bloodline or legalities. They were all family. And every first week of August, they gathered to catch up, create new memories, and share those few fleeting moments that make life worth living.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A gaggle of children ran through the yard as parents sat on the back deck playing cards. Shouts of “Don’t go into the trees!” and “Watch your brother!” filled the air as the children ran recklessly over the 10 acres. Sitting on the upper deck, Uncle Gabriel, the youngest of the Milton brothers, smiled as he looked down at his hand. The best poker hand he’d had since his older brothers taught him how to play. He did his best to conceal how he felt about the cards, but he couldn’t help it: his emotions showed through on his face. Uncle Gadl, slyly eyeing his baby brother, looked at his cards and set them down, not risking any more than what he’d already bet. He knew better than to think that Gabe would bluff. If Gabriel was happy about his cards, he genuinely had good cards. 

Seeing this, Uncle Zach decided to fold as well. One by one, all of the brothers folded until Gabriel was left with nothing more than the ante. “Oh come on!” he protested. “How did you know?” He eyed them all suspiciously. Though they didn’t wish to hurt their younger brother’s feelings, they couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Sorry Gabe, but I would rule out a career in acting. You suck at hiding your excitement,” Zach patted him on the back with a smile.

“I had a good hand, too,” Gabriel said, laying down his cards. A straight flush, a very good hand indeed. Had Gabriel not given his good fortune away, he might have been able to take them all pretty far. “At least we’re not playing for money,” he mumbled to himself before grabbing the deck and shuffling.

In the pool, the older cousins and some of the aunts and uncles basked in the warm New England summer sun, slightly cooled by the water around them. A call of, “No splashing,” was heard from Grandpa Milton, a stern but affectionate warning to the preteen boys who tended to roughhouse. Naomi, the oldest Milton grandchild, nodded. Naomi often took on a parental role with her younger cousins. If Grandpa said no splashing, probably because it made the younger kids scream and whine, then Naomi would ensure there was no splashing. Grandpa Winchester smiled, knowing Naomi would keep the other kids in line. 

And off in a remote corner of the yard, on the edge of the untrimmed grass, sat Dean and Castiel. While most ten year-olds thought that eight year olds were too little to bother with, Dean reveled in teaching young Cas everything he knew about the world. Being two years older, he thought was much wiser than Castiel was, and he saw it his duty to share his wisdom with his best friend. 

Castiel smiled at Dean, glad to have such a good friend in his life. Sure, Castiel may only see Dean once a year, but that one week in Massachusetts was happier than the other 51 weeks he spent in Seattle. That’s not to say that he was unhappy in life, there was just something magical that happened when he and Dean were together.

It was difficult to describe the magic between them. People could see it happening, but could never put a name on it, never pinpoint what exactly it was that was happening. Those who would brush it off could chalk it up to chemistry, that alluring attraction to someone, whether you want it or not. Those who would romanticize it would call it true love, claiming they were meant to be together, fated. But no term, no prosaic description could truly encompass what happened when Castiel and Dean were together. It was as though it was not meant to be understood, only appreciated for the effect it had on anyone who witnessed it.

Their childhood friendship was symbolic of what was to come between the two of them. They would sneak off into the high grass to play together, they would sit beside each other at the dinner table, and at night they would beg their parents to let them share a tent. Aunt Karen was the first one in the family to turn the long-standing joke into a matter of fact; casually remarking one day, “When Cas and Dean get married-”

“When?!” Uncle Benny had cut her off. “You’re assuming a lot.”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed,” Karen joked, some of the other aunts chuckling in agreement. People had noticed. People couldn’t help but notice. And yet the two central players would be the last to notice.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Four years later saw the marriage of Bobby and Karen’s son Adam. Just twenty-two years old, but still utterly in love, Adam had found everything he had ever wanted in Meg. And while he was not the first of the Miltons or the Winchesters to get married, he was the first one to marry that was related to both families; thus bringing both families together for the first time outside of their annual August meeting. Castiel, being Karen’s nephew, and Dean, being Bobby’s nephew, were naturally both there for the occasion.

Celebrating the marriage of their mutual cousin would change the course of their lives forever. This was not a weekend of camping in the front yard, of begging your parents to share a tent, of trying to stay up all night only to fall asleep before eleven; this was a wedding: romantic music, candlelight filling the room, everyone in their finest dress, and Castiel and Dean fresh in the throes of puberty. The ages of 12 and 14 are a tumultuous time for kids, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sitting at the same table, the two friends bopped along to the music, both feeling too awkward to get up and actually dance. They chatted as usual, conversation flowing easily between them given their history, but neither dared move from the comfort of their seat. When Dean excused himself to use the bathroom, his younger brother Sam took the opportunity to get Castiel off of his seat and onto the dance floor, convincing him to do the typical wedding line dances like the Electric Slide and even, to the amusement of the Milton uncles, the Chicken Dance.

The two boys danced away, Castiel no longer feeling awkward but not yet understanding why. The fact that Dean was the source of his shyness never even occurred to him. And as the fast song ended and faded into a slow song, Dean made the mistake of walking across the dance floor en route to his seat.

As he walked, Dean did not see his Uncle Gabriel walking toward him with a devious smile. He had no time to react as Uncle Gabriel grabbed Dean’s hand and placed it in Cas’s. The two looked up in shock, first at each other, then at Uncle Gabriel. “Well, go on! Dance together. You know you’re both in love with each other!” was Uncle Gabriel’s command. Around the room, they could see the faces of many relatives looking at them in anticipation. Red faced and overwhelmed by a new feeling in the pit of his stomach, Dean simply shook his head and bolted out of the room.

Castiel stared at Uncle Gabriel for a second before boldly declaring, “Dean just doesn’t want to show everyone up, Uncle Gabe. He knows he’s the best dancer here and doesn’t want to make you all jealous.” Unbeknownst to Castiel, the rest of the family breathed a sigh of relief. Unbeknownst to Castiel, Uncle Gabriel would be repeatedly scolded for almost ruining the opportunity to finally get Cas and Dean together. Unbeknownst to Castiel, Dean stood in the hallway, trying to make sense of the thoughts in his head.

As Castiel sat back down next to Sam, he breathed a sigh of relief, too. Watching Adam and Meg dance to the slow song and reveling in their joy gave Castiel an excuse not to run after Dean. It gave him a chance to clear his head and think. He hadn’t made his comments to Uncle Gabriel out of boldness, but rather out of fear. He was afraid of what having Dean’s hand in his did to his body. He didn’t quite understand the aching in his heart. He wanted to think it was empathy for the embarrassment Dean was suffering. But something in his mind kept replaying old movies in his head. He imagined Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart, though he couldn’t quite remember which of his mother’s movies he was thinking of. All he knew was that he and Dean were not in black and white, and this was certainly no movie.

 

“There you are! I was looking everywhere for you,” Cas said, coming around a corner and spotting Dean sitting on a bench in the hallway. “They want a group photo of all of the Winchester grandkids together.”

“Oh. Ok,” Dean said awkwardly, standing and heading back to the reception hall.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Castiel asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah,” Dean lied to him for the first time in their lives, “I just needed some air. There are too many people in there.”

“Yeah,” Cas played along with lie, “my mom said there’s over two hundred people in there.”

“I’m sure most of that is you family,” Dean laughed, the tension easing from the air.

“We Miltons sure do have a lot of kids, I’ll give you that,” Cas laughed along, half feigning his relief. He knew why Dean had run away from him. And he knew Dean was lying. Cas could always tell when Dean was lying to him. It was a gift that would come in handy in their lives.

“Well, I better go inside now.” Dean took one long, lingering look at Cas and headed back into the hall. Cas stayed behind, not only giving Dean the break he needed, but taking the opportunity to have a break himself. He knew the endless teasing they would face the next time the family saw them together and he vowed to postpone that moment as long as possible. And so, for the few days until he left for home, Castiel stayed away from Dean.

 

Cas splashed in the pool alongside his cousins. Naomi eyed him sternly, knowing that Castiel knew better. He laughed and splashed some water at her. She chuckled and swam over to him, dunking his underneath the water, though letting him up quickly.

“Don’t forget, I’m bigger and stronger than you, kiddo,” she teased.

“I can hold my own, thank you very much.” Castiel had always been fond of Naomi. She was twelve years older than him, so she had always been protective of Cas. She always given great advice when Cas needed it; and she always carried Cas inside when he fell asleep around the bonfire.

“You really should stop the splashing, though.” Naomi’s voice was light, but with a hint of seriousness.

“I know. There’s just not much else to do right now,” he said, shrugging and sinking down into the cool water of the pool.

“House full of nearly 100 people and you claim to have nothing to do,” she laughed. “Why don’t you go find Dean? You two always seem to have something to do.”

Cas held his tongue for a minute as their cousin Anna swam past, on her way to the small slide that twisted into the water. “I don’t know,” Castiel said as soon as the coast was clear. “I’m kind of…” He stopped mid-sentence and swam to the edge of the pool. He hoisted himself out of the water and grabbed a towel to wrap himself in. Naomi followed behind, prepared to comfort her cousin, who was obviously down.

They walked to a secluded spot in the yard, out of earshot from the rest of the family. “I’m avoiding Dean, actually,” Castiel found the courage to admit.

“Why?”

He laughed out loud. “Did you not see what happened at the wedding?”

“Look, you kids are young. I understand that you get embarrassed about these things. But there will come a time when dancing with Dean is exactly what you want to do.”

“That’s the problem. It already is what I want to do. But he ran away.” Castiel hated himself for sulking, for complaining like this. He had always prided himself on being a happy, positive person. Yet, here he was bemoaning his problems to Naomi, burdening her with their insignificance.

“He only ran away to avoid being teased. Believe me, Cas, he’s not running away from you!” She smiled at him genuinely and her smiled, coupled with her words, acted like a soothing balm on his heart. He smiled back and wrapped his arm around her. “I know you guys hate being teased like that, but there’s a reason we do it. You’ll see. Just give it five years and the prophecy will be fulfilled.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, I do. And, hey, then the teasing might actually stop… or get worse.” They both chuckled together as they headed back toward the pool.

 

Being teased was nothing new to Cas and Dean. Best friends since Cas was a baby, the two had endured endless teasing by their cousins. Later, the teasing came from adult family members. No one would tease them if there were many people around, but God forbid they run into one of their relatives in an unoccupied room or on a remote part of Karen and Bobby’s property. “When’s the wedding?” and “Aww, look at the two love birds” were the two most frequent teases, though many more were thrown around.

Unbeknownst to the kids, Chuck and Becky were often teased, as were Dean’s parents John and Mary. Their relatives often asked Chuck if he was saving up for the wedding already or teasingly told Mary she should start having Cas call her ‘mom’. They would joke about the future grandchildren that John, Mary, Chuck, and Becky would share. Everyone would always tell them, “someday”…

\- - - - -

Four years would pass before Cas and Dean would see each other again. Just after Adam’s wedding, Becky had gotten sick and had been unable to travel. Having to constantly care for his ailing wife, Chuck was subsequently unable to travel. And not wanting to leave his mother’s side should the unthinkable happen, Cas stayed close to home as well. 

Though never having been one to use the phone much, Cas now used the phone as though it were his lifeline. Every night before he went to bed, Cas would call Dean to tell him about his day and bid him goodnight. And while it was wonderful to hear each other’s voices, both youngsters longed to be near the other again. To their conscious minds, it was simply the absence of a good friend. But deep inside their souls, something was beginning to take hold. Whether the comments of their relatives were self-fulfilling prophecy or whether it was meant to be, Cas and Dean were falling in love.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

When Michael’s turn came to marry, Cas made the decision to go away on his own. With the blessing of his parents, and his mother’s promise that she would be okay without him, Cas stepped onto a plane and headed for New England once more. It would be the first time in four years that he would see the family, the first time in four years that he would see his beloved Dean again. 

Castiel should have been excited, but as he watched the clouds zip by underneath him, he felt a twinge of nervousness and a twinge of doubt. His teenage insecurities were dominating his thoughts and he felt himself dreading this trip. If Uncle Gabriel pulled another stunt like last time, surely he would die of embarrassment.

Cas’s mind drifted back to all of the previous times he had spent with the family. Like the time Uncle Balthazar rounded up all of the kids for ghost stories around the campfire. Boy, had the rest of the parents been livid as they stayed up all night consoling crying children and telling them that Uncle Bal’s stories weren’t real. Or the time Grandma Milton had bought food coloring, water balloons, and white shirts for all of the kids. Cas still had his “crazy color” shirt, as the cousins all called them. That had been one of the most fun activities that they had done together. Or the time the men in the family decided they needed to have lights around the pool. After several disastrous attempts, they finally ended up stringing Christmas lights around poles they had driven into the ground, creating a square of lights around the pool. Oh how the women in the family had laughed as they watched the men work, taking three days to finally reach their goal, which would have taken just a few short hours had they come up with ideas before beginning their project.

Cas felt himself missing times like those. He knew that things were never as amazing as they were in childhood, when your mind perceived everything with wonderment, when you were ignorant to all the complications and hardships that occurred. A time when innocence consumed you, so that the world was nothing but perfect. He knew life would never be like that again. But being together with the family again, he knew life would be pretty darn close.

 

As the passengers prepared for landing, Cas’s thoughts turned to Dean, to their memories together. Every time they had snuck away to go play alone in their secret spot. Every time they had begged their parents to let them share a tent, only to be rebuffed and separated for the night. Every time they had laughed together and played together, every time they had shared a stolen glance together. 

Childhood had been so easy when they were together, it was their current adolescence that was the problem. Cas remembered how things had become awkward for the two. He remembered how Dean had run at Adam’s wedding. He wondered what would happen this time, at Michael’s wedding. Would Dean run again? Would people try to push them to get together? Or had they learned their lesson from the last wedding? And what if Cas and Dean took the initiative themselves? What if they chose to dance together? Would their relatives laugh or tease or scold them? Cas wished that he had a crystal ball so that he could see into the future, so he could prepare herself for what was to come.

 

With all of his doubts now consuming his mind, Cas grabbed his bags and stepped off of the plane. He headed up the jetway, dragging his feet as he went. But the moment he stepped into the terminal, all of his fears flew out of his mind. For there, right in front of him, stood Dean. He had come to pick Cas up from the airport, a sweet surprise that no one had spoiled for Cas. The joy of the moment overwhelmed him as Cas dropped his bags and ran to Dean. Dean opened his arms and pulled Cas in, reveling in the joy of their long awaited reunion. Four years. It was the longest they had ever been apart and they both felt the sting of their separation melting away as they stood in their embrace.

With his arms firmly wrapped around Cas, Dean breathed deeply. The scent of Cas overwhelmed him, flooded his mind with memories. He felt the same stirring in his stomach that he had felt at Adam’s wedding, but this time he let the feeling linger. He enjoyed the way Cas’s body felt, pressed against his own. He enjoyed the fact that Cas fit so perfectly inside his arms. He smiled and pulled Cas closer, wishing desperately that it could be enough.

When they finally relaxed their hold on each other, Cas stepped back and admired Dean’s physique. Being two years older than him, Dean had always been bigger than Cas, but in their time apart, Dean had grown from a boy to a young man. He was tall, muscular, and handsome. Cas knew right then and there that he was in love. Until that moment, he had often questioned whether he really liked Dean as more than a friend or whether his relatives’ teasing was self-fulfilling prophecy. But at that moment, Cas knew with 100% certainty: he was in love with Dean, he had always been in love with Dean.

Cas smiled shyly at Dean and walked back to grab his bags. Before he could pick them up, however, Dean dashed over and grabbed the bags for him. He smiled a million dollar smile, melting Cas’s heart, and declared, “A handsome guy like you should never have to carry his own bags.” Dean kissed him sweetly on the cheek and motioned for them to head toward baggage claim. Still stunned from the compliment, the gesture, the kiss, and the moment, Cas lingered behind for a second before following.

 

In the car on the way to Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby’s, Cas silently watched the familiar New England scenery passing by. Having Dean around again was wonderful, but it was also nerve wrecking. From the moment he had realized how he felt, Cas had lost any and all knowledge of how to act around Dean. He kept his eyes on the landscapes flying by him, not daring to talk. He kept his arms as close to his chest as possible, not daring to risk letting their bodies touch. He kept his eyes pointed away from Dean, not daring to look over at this man whom he had known his entire life, but who had never affected him like this before. And Dean noticed the change. 

“Hey you. You okay?” Dean asked, eyes still focused on the road. Dean couldn’t take it any longer. He needed Cas to talk, needed to touch him, needed to know that this was real and that they were together again. He needed a sign from Cas that their time apart hadn’t changed them too much.

“Yeah. Just tired from the plane ride.” It was Cas’s turn to lie. Though they had no way of knowing it, their ability to lie to each other, as well as their ability to see through the lies, was something they would use again and again.

“Oh.” Dean kept his eyes focused on the road as he reached over and slid his hand into Cas’s. Startled by the contact, Cas turned to look at him. He should have said something profound, something along the lines of ‘about time’ or ‘I’ve been hoping you would do that’, but he didn’t want to ruin the perfection of the moment. Instead he smiled, bit his bottom lip, and turned back to watch the scenery pass by. The rest of the car ride was spent in silence. Happy, wonderful silence.

 

Just as they pulled into the driveway, Dean released his hold on Cas’s hand. His heart ached as he made the decision to let go, but he knew the teasing that would come if anyone saw them holding hands. And as much as he wanted that hold to last forever, he feared any amount of teasing might scare Cas away. And the pain of not having Cas was worse than the pain of having to end their loving embrace. 

As Dean shifted into park, the car was swarmed with relatives. Over all the noise and commotion of relatives greeting Cas and professing how much they had missed him in those four years, he lost sight of Dean. He felt his soul sink. He should have been truly happy to be with the family again, but all he could think about was Dean pulling his hand away and then walking away from him. Of course he knew why Dean had done that, but something about that moment still stung.

As he walked inside with a heavy heart, he was suddenly reminded of four years ago when Dean had run away from him. “He ran from me then because he was embarrassed about what people would think,” Cas thought to himself, “If he’s so embarrassed about what people will say, then what’s the point? Obviously he’ll never make a move unless it’s in private. I’m not going to be some secret that he hides from everyone. If he’s so embarrassed of me, then maybe I don’t need him.” Castiel’s heart broke with those thoughts, but teenagers are rarely rational, especially when it comes to emotions. 

And so Cas spent the next two days practically ignoring Dean. With nearly 120 people swarming the expansive property, no one seemed to really notice. Except Dean. He took note of how Cas would find an excuse to leave whenever he entered a room. How Cas would opt out of playing horseshoes or going swimming if he knew Dean was coming along. How Cas even changed his mind about going to the drive in movies when their cousin Jo excitedly announced, “Everyone’s going! Even Dean!” 

“Surely Cas can’t be mad about me letting his hand go,” Dean thought. “But what else could it be?” He sat on the back porch overlooking the large property and tried to think of a reason Cas might not want to be around him. He watched Cas playing with their 5 year old cousin Luce. He watched Cas throw Luce up onto his shoulder and then go dump the boy into the kiddy pool. He watched Cas laughing and smiling, knowing how long it had been since Cas had been that happy around Dean himself. 

And then it hit him, like a thousand sharp knives stabbing him in the chest. “He has a boyfriend back home! That’s the only explanation! How stupid was I to think that he would wait for me forever? I haven’t seen him in four years, of course he moved on!” And with that thought Dean stopped trying to seek out Cas’s attention. He walked inside to seek out his older cousins and join in a game of poker. He would find other people to pass his time with, people who were not Cas.

 

The day of Michael’s wedding came, everyone trying their best to limit shower and mirror time to a few minutes. Cas had changed in the tent he shared with some of this other Milton cousins. He sat near one of the tent’s open windows, trying in vain to straighten his tie.

Just a few yards away, Dean sat in his own tent, watching Cas. He lovingly gazed at how beautiful Cas had become. Everything about Cas mesmerized him and he felt himself silently envious of the boyfriend he was sure Cas had back home. Little did Dean know that no such boy existed. Little did Dean know that, at that very same moment, Cas’s thoughts were of Dean and how he wished Dean would be able to share a dance with him at this wedding, how much he regretted not dancing with Dean at the last wedding.

Dean sighed and stood up, digging his dress clothes out of his bag, zipping up the tent windows, and changing. Inside the zipped up tent, the heat and lack of moving air made Dean’s lungs sting. He silently wished the oxygen would run out in the tent and he would suffocate inside. Instead, he heard the front flap of the tent unzip and saw Sam coming inside. 

“Hey Dean, what’s up man?” Sam asked, going immediately over to his own bag to find some clothes.

“Not much. Just waiting for the lack of oxygen in here to kill me.” Dean laughed uneasily.

“Yeah, it’s stuffy as hell in here man.” Sam agreed, laughing. But his laughter faded when he realized Dean wasn’t joking. “Oh. Cas, huh?”

“Yeah.” Dean shrugged. “I think he has a boyfriend. He’s been acting really weird around me this entire trip.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” Damn Sammy for being wise beyond his years. Dean wanted Sam to agree, to tell Dean to move on. Instead, Sam had said exactly what Dean had not wanted to hear: ‘talk to Cas’. 

“No. I haven’t yet. What’s the point? It’s never worked out before. Why would it work now?” Dean knelt down to fix the cuff of his pants.

“You guys are meant to be together. Everyone thinks so. Hell, everyone knows so. Just go talk to him so you can get the process moving and mom can win the pool.”

“Win the pool?” Dean asked for clarification.

“Yeah. She’s betting you’ll be married by the time you’re 20. We’ve all picked a year.”

“What year did you pick?”

“When you’re 30. I was one of the last to choose.” Sam laughed, oblivious to the fact that this new information was not something Dean would laugh about. 

“Hmm. I see.” Dean said, taking a step out of the tent.

“Hey,” Sam grabbed his arm to stop him. “Just talk to him.  He hasn’t mentioned a boyfriend to anyone, you’re just assuming.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Dean nodded and stepped out, taking a moment to let his eyes adjust to the bright sun outside. He looked to his right and saw Cas coming out of his tent, looking more beautiful than he had ever thought anyone could look. Suit on, tie wafting in the breeze, his hair looking even more disheveled from the wind: Cas was the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen. “Cas! Hey, can we talk?”

Castiel felt his heart skip a beat. Here was Dean jogging toward him, looking perfect. Tall, handsome, muscular, his dress shirt hugging his chest in a way that highlighted how strong he had become. “Sure. What do you want to talk about?” Cas asked shyly.

“Us.” Dean said simply, taking his hand. Cas’s heart soared at the word. Us. It was odd how very happy that word made him feel. As though everything he had wanted in life up to this point could be summed up in two letters: us. Dean lead him back to their spot, that secluded part of the yard on the edge of the untrimmed grass that they retreated to every time they wanted to be alone.

 

When they reached their spot, Dean let go of Cas’s hand, nervously shoving both of his hands into his pockets. Cas looked down at the ground, kicking at a rock. Neither of them wanted to be the first to speak. But Dean had pulled him over here, Dean had initiated this, so Dean had to be the one to speak up.

“What’s going on with us?” Dean asked, throwing the figurative ball into Cas’s court.

“What do you mean?” Cas asked, throwing it back. He wanted desperately to just tell Dean how he felt. He wanted to say, ‘What’s going on with us is nothing short of a miracle. What’s going on with us is the beginning of a long and happy life together. Dance with me, Dean. At the wedding, right now, forever. I want to dance all of my dances with you. He laughed internally at his stupid, cheesy, romantic thoughts. No one spoke like that in real life. In young adult novels, maybe. But no one actually said these things out loud in real life. And so Cas bit his tongue and didn’t say what he wanted to say. Instead he looked Dean right in the eyes and waited for him to say something, anything.

“We’re acting really weird around each other suddenly. We’ve never been like this. I mean, it’s us. We’re best friends. We can talk about anything, so what’s going on?”

Cas shook his head, realizing Dean was being cowardly. Dean swallowed hard, mentally kicking himself for not having the courage to just tell Cas how he felt. Cas waited. Dean waited. Finally, Cas rolled his eyes and looked off to his left, watching a chipmunk wander through the grass surrounding them.

“Look, we’ve always been honest,” Cas sighed. “So I’m going to tell you the truth. When I saw you at the airport, after all this time, you just looked so… handsome. And I had never thought of you like that before. And then when you grabbed my hand in the car, I thought maybe you felt the same. But as soon as we came near anyone else, you dropped my hand. And when our relatives came around, you walked away. If you’re embarrassed of me, just tell me now.”

“Cas!” Dean took his hand, “I could never be embarrassed of you! I did that because if people saw us, they would tease us. And I thought if they teased us, you would get scared and run away.” Dean’s assumption offended him. He was not the type to run away. He might not always be forthcoming with his feelings, but he certainly never gave up like Dean often did. He suddenly felt angry, angry at Dean’s cowardice, angry at the fact that Dean was weaker than him, angry that they kept putting off the inevitable.

“I’m not the one who runs away. You are. Remember Adam’s wedding? You ran away, not me.” Cas pulled his hand away and walked back toward the house.

“Cas!” Dean shouted after him. “Cas, come back! Please.” But Cas kept walking. He secretly wanted Dean to chase after him, to pursue him, to fight for him. But he didn’t. Dean stayed where he was, assuming Cas just needed his space. Had Dean known Cas wanted to be chased, he gladly would have obliged. As Cas neared the house, his heart sank, realizing Dean wasn’t coming after him.

 

Sitting in the reception hall, Cas looked around. Everyone was having a good time: dancing, talking, eating, doing what people do at weddings. Dean was nowhere to be seen, having retreated to the hallway to escape the crushing weight of the fight he and Cas had earlier. No one in the family was aware of the fight and Dean planned on keeping it that way. And so he sat alone in the hallway, trying to understand what went wrong, trying to understand why Cas was fighting him, trying to understand how he could make amends. 

Dean had been gone for too long now and Cas was beginning to get worried. Finding no excuse to wait any longer, he stood up and walked around. Relatives stopped him to chat, providing him the perfect opportunity to ask if they had seen Dean; but Cas wasn’t going to let anyone know he was looking for him. This was between them, another secret relationship that only they knew about. 

After nearly half an hour of searching and warding off relatives, Cas found Dean sitting alone in a back hallway. Cas leaned against the wall and watched Dean staring at the ground. Cas smiled as Dean sat there, not acknowledging if he had seen Cas or not. 

After a few minutes, Dean cleared his throat. “I wish I knew what I could do to fix this,” he said, still not looking up. “I know its sounds naïve and cliché, but I love you, Cas. And I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you mad. But I just…” he sighed heavily, “something is wrong between us and I don’t know what to do to fix it. And I want to fix it. I need to fix it. These past four years have been torture. And the only relief I could get would be to hold you in my arms and feel you close to me. So please, tell me how to fix it!” 

Cas stepped shyly towards Dean, coming closer but still not close enough for Dean’s liking. “I’m sorry. I… well, we’re entering a different phase of our lives. We’re falling in love with each other. And we’ve never been there before. And I don’t know how to act around you. I mean, you’re my Dean. I could tell you anything. Except now my heart is telling me to hold back, to shut up. Not to scare you away. That we’re too young for this. That this is too big for us. That everyone will flip out when we tell them we’re in love. That this is beyond our control. And I don’t know how to proceed without messing it all up.”

“I know what you mean,” Dean replied, keeping his eyes pointed at the ground and away from Cas. “That’s why I let go of your hand. This is too big. And we are so young. We just need to move slowly, think before we react. Not rush into anything serious. I don’t think either of us is mature enough to handle true love yet. And it’s not just about us. Everyone would be involved, both families. This is big. We just need to grow up a little more before we can do this right. Because if we try to do it now, we’ll mess it up. And I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to lose you. Because I do love you, Cas. I love you so much. But we’re too immature to handle something this huge. So let’s just agree to be open and honest with each other. Let’s agree to be best friends like we’ve always been. Let’s agree to wait a few more years until we can handle this.” Dean finally looked up at Cas, tears in his eyes. Smiling through the tears, Dean reached his hand towards Cas. He took Cas’s hand in his and smiled back.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Cas sat down next to him. He laid his head on Dean’s shoulder and closed his eyes, reveling in having Dean so close again. “I’m sorry about before.” 

“Me too.” Dean’s whole body shook as he let out a laugh, “I thought you were ignoring me because you had a boyfriend back home.”

“No.” Cas replied simply. Suddenly, he sat up straight. “Back home.”

“What?” Dean asked.

“We live 3,000 miles away from each other. What are we going to do about that?”

“Same as we always have: email, phone, whatever it takes. And in a few years, when we’re able to handle this thing between us, we’ll be adults. I’m headed to B.U. and in a few years you’ll be heading to college too. We can talk about what to do when the time comes.”

“Yeah,” Cas said, laying his head back down on Dean’s shoulder. 

They sat together for several minutes, content to bask in the joy of their new relationship. And while nothing had really changed between them, everything actually had changed. Dean could feel his courage building inside of him. He turned to look at Cas, realizing how simple everything was. They needn’t worry about their family’s reaction, they needn’t care what people would say. They were Cas and Dean. They need only worry about each other. He looked at Cas. “Hey,” he said, suddenly feel strong and confident.

“Yeah?” Cas said, lifting his head and sitting up.

“May I have this dance?” Dean stood up and pulled Cas gently into his arms. Cas said nothing, nothing needed to be said. He simply followed Dean, hand in hand, back into the reception hall.

 

As they entered the reception hall, they headed right for the dance floor. Fate was on their side for once as a fast song ended and a slow one began. Hand in hand, they walked out to the edge of the dance floor. Dean stopped, pulled Cas into his arms, and held him close as they began their dance. Cas closed his eyes and laid his head on Dean’s shoulder. This dance had been a long time coming and Cas could not have imagined a more perfect way of executing the moment. 

After a minute of dancing inside their own world, Dean opened his eyes and saw many of their relatives watching them, whispering to each other, even a few pulling out cameras to take a picture of the moment. After a minute, Cas also opened his eyes, taking in the sight. He smiled and looked up at Dean. Dean smiled and looked down at Cas. “They’re taking pictures,” Cas whispered, a slight blush overtaking his cheeks.

“Let them,” Dean whispered back. “Let’s forget about everything else. Right now, you are all that matters.” A tear ran down Cas’s cheek as he smiled and nodded. Dean leaned in and kissed the tear away before pulling Cas back into him. Cas laid his head on Dean’s shoulder again and closed his eyes, letting the world disappear around them. 

Cas’s mind ran back to earlier in the day. He had laughed at himself for thinking cheesy thoughts. He had been so sure that no one acted like that in real life. But here they were, like a scene from a movie. They were saying cheesy lines, offering up cheesy gestures. Maybe love was really this sweet and sappy. Maybe movies and books hadn’t lied to him. Cas smiled and snuggled his body closer to Dean, breathing in the scent of him. For that moment, the whole world seemed right. Perfect.

As the song ended, Dean and Cas quietly stepped off of the dance floor and sat down at a nearby table. They had expected relatives to swarm over and tease. They had expected to ward off comments and mocking jokes. They had expected to end up red faced and embarrassed as people congratulated them on finally making a move. But no one came, no one teased, no blush fell over their faces.

“Okay, call me crazy, but I thought people would be over here to tell us ‘I told you so’ by now,” Dean commented after several minutes.

“Me too,” Cas retorted. 

Off in the corner, Karen and Mary had been watching the couple dance. “I call the right to rub this in Gabriel’s face,” Mary laughed.

“How so?” Karen inquired.

“He tried so hard to push them at Adam’s wedding. And he was going to push them again today, but he couldn’t find them. Good thing too, because they beat him to the punch.”

“After the tongue lashing he received for pulling that stunt at Adam’s wedding, he was going to try again?” Karen asked. 

“You know Gabriel, dumb as a box of rocks and bull headed to boot,” Mary laughed. A silence fell between the women, now watching Cas and Dean sitting down talking. 

“Well,” Mary spoke up after a few minutes, “I guess I should get used to that image, huh?” She nodded towards the young lovers. “Heck, in a few years we’ll probably be back here for their wedding,”

“Whose side do I sit on for that one?” Karen laughed. “I’ll have to sit on the bride’s side while my husband sits on the groom’s side.” The two women laughed together and started a conversation about what the potential wedding would be like. 

 

That night, as Cas lay in his sleeping bag, he thought back to how perfect the reception had been. He thought about how wonderful it felt to have Dean’s arms wrapped around his. He thought about how sexy Dean’s cologne smelled, wishing he could be close enough to smell Dean more often. He thought about how handsome Dean looked, dressed in his best, smiling down at Cas under the lights of the dance floor. 

Over in the tent Dean shared with his brother and some of their cousins, Dean’s thoughts were on Cas as well. As he ignored the others telling ghost stories, Dean had his own story running through his mind. A story where he and Cas lived happily ever after. A story where those beautiful blue eyes looked into his own and his soul flew higher than the clouds. A story where he held Cas’s body up to his and kissed Cas’s soft, supple lips. Most of the time, reality doesn’t live up to the expectations you set for it, but Dean could see his life being this idealistic. 

Frustrated by his own thoughts and inability to enjoy the spooky stories his cousins were telling, Dean got up and walked out of the tent. He wasn’t sure where he was going, he only knew that he needed to clear his head. If he was ever going to sleep, he needed to get the fantasies of he and Cas out of his head. He suddenly found himself heading toward their secret spot in the tall grass. He knew there was no better place to purge his fantasies of Cas than the secret hiding place that they had shared for so long. 

As Dean sat, smiling to himself, his head filled with thoughts of Cas, Dean heard a noise coming toward him. He contemplated running away, but he worried that he might give away the location of their special place. He sat quietly, waiting for the noise to pass. To his dismay, it only got closer and closer until he was suddenly face to face with Cas. 

As children, their hiding place had seemed large enough, but being as grown as they now were, it was suddenly too small. The scent of Cas filled him as he looked up into Cas’s eyes. Cas smiled shyly, a blush spreading across his cheeks in the moonlight.

“Hey,” Cas said softly, as though someone would overhear them.

“Hi,” Dean whispered back, just glad to have Cas near him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question, couldn’t I?” Dean teased. Cas smiled at him and took a seat across from him, their knees touching.

“Why are you sitting all the way over there?” Dean asked, his voice filled with lust.

“All the way over here?” Cas laughed, “I’m practically in your lap.”

“No,” Dean corrected, reaching out and pulling Cas into him. He positioned Cas so that he could lean back against Dean’s chest, Dean’s legs wrapped protectively around Cas’s. “Now you’re in my lap,” Dean stated, wrapping his arms around Cas and pulling Cas into him. Cas laid his head back onto Dean’s shoulder and sighed happily. Dean nuzzled his cheek against Cas’s hair and kissed the top of Cas’s head sweetly. “I’ve missed you,” Dean whispered. Though it had been only about an hour since they had said goodnight, his words were true.

“I’ve missed you too,” Cas whispered back, his eyes closed. He listened to the rhythm of their hearts, simultaneously beating. He reveled in the fact that they were in sync, as though it were a sign that they were meant to be. “Dean?” he asked quietly.

“Yes?” Dean replied.

“I love you,” Cas dared to say.

A smile spread across Dean’s face, an involuntary action that he didn’t want to suppress, even if he could. It was the first time either of them had dared to speak those words. He breathed in the scent of Cas, wrapped his arms more tightly around him, and whispered tenderly, “I love you, too, Castiel.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Cas woke with the light of the morning. As his eyes focused, his mind suddenly became alert. Why was he surrounded by grass and where had his tent gone? As his consciousness caught up to him, he remembered the events of last night and recognized the particular part of the grass that he was in. He smiled, pulling Dean’s arms tighter around him. He felt Dean stirring behind him. He rolled over, daring to break their embrace so that he could look into Dean’s eyes, “Good morning.”

“The same to you, handsome,” Dean smiled and kissed the tip of Cas’s nose. 

His expression became serious as he looked deep into Cas’s eyes. Reading Dean’s thoughts, Cas’s expression changed as well.  Dean leaned in closer, drawing a shaky breath as he mustered up the courage to close the gap between their lips. Just as he was about to finally make his move, a voice rang out through the yard.

“Cas? Dean?” Uncle Zach’s voice rang in their ears, followed quickly by other relatives. 

“They’ve formed a search party,” Cas laughed, pulling away and trying to hide the blush that painted his face.

“I’ll wait here. You go ahead and go out.”

“What should I tell them?” Cas worried what people would think. They were young, sure, but they were also smart enough not to cross any physical lines yet. Would people believe them? Or would they be punished for something that never even happened?

“Tell them you don’t know where I am,” Dean replied, obviously thinking along the same lines as Cas was. 

“Right,” Cas nodded, somewhat relieved to keep last night between the two of them. He walked parallel to the voices he heard, trying hard to lose his way in the grass before someone discovered him. If he pretended to be lost, it would be more believable that he had been alone. 

Finally feeling a safe enough distance from Dean, he called out, “Hello? Aunt Ellen?”, referencing the last person whose voice he had heard.

“Cas?” He heard the rustling of the grass and saw Aunt Ellen coming toward him.

“Aunt Ellen!” Cas feigned desperate relief as he threw himself into Ellen’s arms.

“What happened kiddo?” she said, smoothing Cas’s hair and hugging him close in comfort.

“I went for a walk last night, to think. And I thought I heard an animal or something, so I ran into the grass to hide. I’m such a scaredy cat. Anyway, I didn’t pay attention to where I was going. I guess I got lost.” She wrapped her arms even tighter around him, his pathetic acting was working.

“It’s okay, kiddo. You’re safe now. Let’s get you inside, huh?” She kissed the top of his head and led him out into the mowed part of the yard. Relieved relatives swarmed them as Aunt Ellen reiterated the false account of last night’s events.

“Have you seen Dean?” Sam asked once they were on the upper deck, almost into the house. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about him in their relief after finding Cas. Cas shook his head, wondering what lie Dean would come up with later. No doubt people suspected that they had spent the night together. They’d been begging to do so since childhood. Only now people would make unfair assumptions about how they spent the time together. 

“He’s in me and Meg’s tent,” Their cousin Adam made his way up from the lower deck. “He told me not to tell anyone,” Adam added, answering the curious looks of his relatives. “He had a nightmare and was kind of freaked out about it. I can’t say I blame him, not wanting to tell people where he was. After all, it’s pretty embarrassing to crawl into your cousin’s tent at two am, scared stiff.” Adam gave a chuckle and their family relaxed. As people dispersed, their uncles began making jokes about scaredy-cat Dean and how girly it was to be afraid of nightmares. 

Cas looked at Adam curiously, wondering why he had lied. Adam winked at him and headed into the house for breakfast. Cas would have to remember to thank Adam for covering for them. He laughed to himself as he waited, watching the high grass for Dean to emerge. When he finally did, Cas skipped over to him and happily filled him in on the little white lies that had been told. Dean’s face flushed with embarrassment when Cas told him what Adam had said, though Dean was grateful for the cover-up. Cas just laughed and shook his head as they made their way to the kitchen for some food.

 

That evening was Cas’s flight home, so he and Dean had to make every precious minute count. They spent the whole day together. They went swimming together, sat next to each other at lunch, Dean even helped Cas pack his bags. As they carefully folded his things and placed them into his suitcase, they both secretly fantasized about the time, years in the future, when they would pack their bags and would head home together, to a home that they shared.

Initially, Uncle Gad was going to take Cas to the airport, but last night had changed so much in their lives, including mundane details about who would take him to the airport. Dean loaded Cas’s bags into his trunk and waited as Cas said goodbye to the family. 

The ride to the airport was silent. Not a depressing, crushing, goodbye silence as it should have been, but a content, comfortable, best friends in love silence. They held hands as they had before, no longer afraid. And as they pulled into the airport parking lot, Dean kissed Cas’s hand before letting it go and maneuvering into a parking spot. 

The reality that this was goodbye, however, was catching up to them as they walked with heavy hearts into the airport lobby. Just a few days ago they had stood here holding each other, glad to be together again. Now they were saying goodbye. 

As they reached the security line, Dean pulled Cas close to him and went to kiss him goodbye. But before his lips could connect, Cas pulled back. “Don’t,” Cas begged him.

“Why not?” Dean asked, bewildered at the refusal of his affection.

“I don’t want our first kiss to be a kiss goodbye. That just seems like a bad omen to me,” Cas clarified. “Besides, I don’t want to kiss you once and not be able to do so for another year or so. That’s just not fair to either of us.”

“That makes sense,” Dean said, pulling Cas into him for a hug. “I hope this is still is allowed,” he added as he held Cas in his arms.

“Of course,” Cas replied simply.

They stayed in their embrace for several minutes before Cas pulled away and grabbed his bags, clutching them close to him as though putting up a shield. Dean gave him a confused look, wondering why he chose to end such a blissful, albeit bittersweet, moment. 

"If I don't do that now, I never will," Cas said.

"Yeah... you don't want to miss your flight," Dean replied, turning and walking out of the airport without another word. Dean knew that Cas had done what was needed, but it still hurt. Just as Cas knew that Dean had to walk away at that moment or he would never let Cas leave. But Cas, too, felt hurt by the action. It seemed as though they had spent their entire lives hurting. 

\- - - - -

The following year, Cas was scheduled to return to Massachusetts. But his mother's condition had worsened and she was admitted to the hospital just two weeks before Cas’s scheduled trip. He phoned Dean to tell him the bad news. As usual, Dean was exactly what Cas needed: patient, understanding, comforting. And though he was upset at the fact that he would have to spend another August without Cas, he knew Cas needed to be at his mother's side. 

At Uncle Bobby's that year, Dean participated in family events, but his heart was only half in it. He played games only because others were doing so or because they needed him teams to be even. He mostly helped with chores around the house, trying to fill every moment of his time so he didn't have to think about Cas. Everyone noticed the change in his usual upbeat demeanor. 

“All right, spill,” Uncle Gabe demanded, catching Dean alone in a back room of the house. 

Dean looked up from the book he was reading, startled. “Spill what?”

“Why you’re being Sir Mopes A Lot! Why you do everything half heartedly. And don’t tell me it’s because Cas isn’t here. He’s been gone before and you’ve never been like this. So what is it?”

“It’s nothing. Just teenage moodiness.” Dean replied, borrowing a term their aunts had used often.

“I don’t buy it. What’s really going on?” Gabe sat down next to Dean, putting a comforting arm around his shoulders.

Dean debated lying for a moment, before he realized that he needed to talk about it with someone. He needed to get it off his chest and talk it out. And with Gabriel, Dean wouldn’t have to explain the backstory between he and Cas; though if he told a friend, he would. He decided that Gabe was the best person to have this discussion with, since he’d always made it known that he wanted Cas and Dean to get together.

“It’s not that Cas’s gone…” Dean sighed heavily, closing his book without marking his page. Dean detailed all of the tormented thoughts he’d been having for some time. How not only was he missing Cas, but how he was worried about Cas’s mother and how Cas was handling the situation. But more than that, weighing much heavier on his heart, was a thought that had begun to form years ago, a thought that was only growing with time: it never seemed to work out for them. Just when they took a step forward, life knocked them five steps back. They made plans to see each other and something came up. They lived on opposite ends of the country. They only saw each other once every few years anymore, whereas it used to be daily, then yearly, and finally had dwindled to their current sporadic visits. Whenever one made a move, the other rejected it. Whenever they were together, Dean and Cas were in pain. Dean ran over all of his doubts, carefully explaining them to Gabe. After nearly an hour of talking, Dean took a deep breath and turned to look at his uncle.

Gabriel’s expression was pensive, his eyes focused on the far wall. He took everything Dean had told him and rolled it around in his mind, weighing the possible outcomes. Dean was a little concerned. Uncle Gabe normally wasn’t so serious. Perhaps similar concerns had been weighing on Gabe’s mind lately, too. All of Dean’s fears seemed to be confirmed as he watched his Uncle Gabriel mull over the situation. Finally, Gabriel sat up rigid and turned to look at Dean. “I think it’s clear what you need to do, kid.”

“And what would that be?” Dean asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“Either make a grand gesture and show Cas how much he means to you…” Gabe paused, unable to believe there was a second option.

“Or…?” Dean inquired, going crazy from anticipation.

“Or get over him,” Gabriel said curtly. He hadn’t meant to be sharp about it. But the truth was that the idea of Cas and Dean just being friends saddened him. As though their feelings were symbolic of happy and carefree memories. As though, if they stopped caring for one another, it would mean that life would become somehow gloomier. 

“Yeah. I guess,” Dean muttered, not indicating which option he would choose. “Thanks for the talk.” He got up and stalked out of the room, even more sullen than before. Gabe sighed heavily, realizing he had probably done more harm than good. Was there no way to win with those two?

\- - - - -

Months later, Dean lay in his dorm room in Boston, replaying his conversation with Uncle Gabe over and over in his head. “Get over him?” he murmured to himself, wondering how he would feel if he actually followed through with this. The thought had first entered Dean's mind after Adam's wedding, after Uncle Gabriel had tried to force them together. Since then, every time an incident occurred that kept them apart, Dean made a note of it, mentally adding it to the list in his mind of why he needed to move on, why he needed to finally find happiness.

He knew he would never find true love with someone else. No one would ever compare to his Cas. But he might just be able to find someone that he could have some semblance of happiness with. Someone who could make him forget, for a day, for an hour, for a moment, the fact that he wasn't with Cas. Maybe true love wasn't in the cards for Dean, but finding someone to spend his life with and start a family with might be.

And every time he began to think like this, Dean wanted to cry. He was 19 years old, too young to have experienced such heartache and pain. These were supposed to be his joyful, carefree years. He was a college freshman, he was supposed to be partying and hooking up with every hot person he met. But every time he found himself with someone, he felt guilty, as though he was cheating on Cas. And so he often abstained from parties or social gatherings, trying to keep the guilt at bay. He was missing out on a very essential part of life as a college student. Dean had already sacrificed so much for Cas, what was a little more?

But more than missing out or being held back, Dean wanted to cry because he was never permitted the one thing he truly wanted in life: Cas. Sure they had fleeting moments where things worked out, they had even had a couple of days of happiness in a row from time to time, but the bliss always ended and the barbs always stabbed deeper into his heart. And when he thought of Cas, dreams of a happy life together no longer filled his mind. Instead, the name provoked memories of pain, memories of unfulfilled longing. True love wasn't supposed to be like this.

And so it was with a heavy heart that Dean picked up the phone one chilly November evening and dialed a familiar number. He was hoping against hope that he was wrong, but he knew what the outcome of this phone call would be. He sat at his desk in his dorm room, listening to phone ring several times on the other end. Finally, he heard a familiar voice pick up. 

"Hey," he said dully, his voice flat with sadness.

"Hey, I didn't expect you to call today, it's not Saturday yet," Cas laughed, referencing the day each week that had been set aside for their phone call.

"I know. I just had to hear your voice," Dean's eyes began to fill with tears, but he refused to let his voice break. He tried to sound happy, hopeful. He couldn't let Cas know how much this was hurting him. 

"Aww, that's sweet. I've really missed you." Cas said, sitting down inside the bay window in their kitchen. He looked out over the backyard, as though he could see 3,000 miles away, as though he could see Dean in the distance.

"Yeah." Dean paused, unsure of where to begin. "How's your mom?" he delayed the inevitable. 

"Doing okay. I think she's getting better. She seems to be in less pain." Cas’s voice had an odd cheeriness in it that Dean had never heard. Was Cas lying to him? When did they start lying to each other about things outside of their relationship? Sure, they’d often lied about their feelings toward one another, but they had never shut the other out when it came to the daily details of their lives. Was Cas pulling away from him before this conversation even began?

"That's good." Dean said, his voice dropping off at the end into an almost whisper. Cas took note.

"Are you okay? You sound... different," Cas remarked.

"We need to talk. About us. About... things." Dean's voice broke a little. 

"What about us?" Cas's voice filled with worry. He scrambled to figure out what the problem could be, scrambled to prepare himself for what was to come. Would it be good or bad, he wondered?

“Why don't we just get together? What's holding us back?" Dean threw it out there, plain and simple. 

"3,000 miles," Cas joked, trying to lighten the mood and avoid the intense conversation he knew was coming. He had been through enough heaviness and intensity lately.

"Seriously." Dean swallowed hard. "You're almost 18. You'll be applying to colleges soon. Come out here, for school, for me. We could be together. You could apply to Boston University, join me on campus. We could spend every day together again." Dean's voice was sounding hopeful, finally voicing out loud the speech he had prepared for today.

"Dean, I can't... I..." Cas’s voice trailed off, not finishing the sentence. So he was holding back! Dean knew the truth now. They had always been open and honest with each other and now something was wedging its way between them, wrenching them apart.

"But Cas... we've waited so long. And now we're so close to being able to make it happen. We've always had excuse after excuse for why we couldn't be together. Now we can."

“Dean, I..." Cas paused, letting out a frustrated sigh. "I already applied to The Art Institute of Seattle. I've been accepted."

"But... I thought we talked about you coming out here for school."

"Well, we did talk about it... but we never agreed on it. I said maybe. But my family's here, my friends... it's a good school."

Dean swiveled his chair to look out the window. He had nothing to say. Cas’s half-hearted excuses meant nothing to him. He had been waiting and dreaming of the day when Cas would finally move to the East Coast and be his. And now his dream was crumbling before him. 

"Why?" He finally uttered a word after several minutes of not speaking. He was met with silence from Cas. He assumed Cas had no good reason and he was about to speak up to argue his point when Cas drew a raggedy breath. 

"My mom's dying, Dean," Cas admitted through tears. "I know I keep saying she's fine and she'll get better. But the truth is, she won't live much longer. The doctors have given her less than a year."

"Oh my God! Cas, I'm so sorry. I didn't know." Dean's eyes flew to a picture of he and Cas that he kept on his desk. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to be with Cas, to comfort him, to take care of him during this difficult time. But distance would not permit that. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to admit it. It's hard enough to watch it happen without having to tell everyone else about. I just didn't want people constantly asking me if she was okay, reminding me that she wasn't. And dad’s not handling it well at all! He can barely function, so I’ve taken over most of the family’s responsibilities. I have to be the strong one right now, I have to keep my family together, I have to keep dad sane and mom positive. And I’m afraid that if people keep asking me about her, keep reminding me how bad it is, that I’ll fall apart and none of us will survive." Cas broke down into hysterical sobs, unable to speak any further.

"Oh. I see," Dean had nothing to say to that. He couldn't find the right words to comfort Cas because there was literally nothing he could do. He didn't have the cure for multiple sclerosis. And he certainly couldn't ask Cas to fly out East so they could be together, not now that he knew how bad things really were at home. Cas needed to be with his parents right then. Dean couldn't cut classes to go out West either. He thought about offering to come out for Christmas, but then he decided that they needed to spend time together as a family since this might be their last Christmas together. He would never want to infringe upon family time when Becky was close to the end. 

And so he said nothing. There was nothing that could change the situation, so both of them kept quiet. They hung on the line still, a silent clue that they needed each other, but neither spoke for several minutes. The only noise were gasps and sniffles as Cas pulled himself back together. Years ago, conversations flowed easily between them. But lately, as life continued to weigh them down, they experienced more lulls in conversation, more moments of silence than even before. 

"I think..." Cas finally spoke up, "... that maybe you should move on. Find someone else." The words pierced Dean's heart, although those same thoughts had occurred to him for years.

"What do you mean?" He sought clarification.

"It just seems like it never works out for us," Cas put it out on the table, the truth that neither of them acknowledged out loud.

"I know. It seems like whenever we make some progress, something else comes along to prevent us from being together," Dean checked one item off of his mental list. "I do love you, but you're right."

"I love you, too. But it's just... we always seem to hurt each other." Cas replied.

Those words hit Dean like a thousand sharp daggers. As true as they may be, he didn't want to hear it. It was easy to talk about their situation when they blamed life or circumstances or Fate for their problems. But when they blamed themselves, acknowledged that they had hurt each other, that their actions had caused some of it, it complicated the situation. Fate was out of their control. But their own actions were well within their realm of control. They were causing their own pain. The truth stung.

Dean was mad. Mad that Cas had brought up the fact that it was their fault. That they had no one else to blame. He wasn't looking for a fight, but he couldn't help himself. His defense mechanisms were kicking in and he couldn't stop. Anger was easier than hurt. An argument was easier than tears. And so he waged a battle, mentally pulling out his checklist and preparing to run down the log of times they had hurt each other. And it didn’t matter that he was only hurting Cas worse, at a time when Cas could handle no more pain, Dean couldn’t help it. He couldn’t control the anger rising inside of himself. He needed to lash out. And the only person to lash out at was Cas. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he said, his voice going monotone. "Like when you pull away." 

"Or when you walk away without saying goodbye," Cas took the bait and fought back. He didn't need this right now, not on top of everything else. But if Dean wanted a fight, he was going to get a fight. Cas couldn't fight his mom's illness or the stress of senior year or the miles that separated them. So Cas would fight Dean. He would unleash all of his pent up anger. And so seventeen years of anger that he had suppressed came surging out.

"What about you and your stupid excuses? You've always got a reason why we can't be together! It seems to me like you don't even want to be together!" Dean was being completely irrational, a common mistake teenagers make.

"I don't want to be together? What about you? You've never come out here to visit. Every time we're together, it's because I've come out there to see you."

"No! You come out here to see the family! I'm just conveniently located!" 

"You know what, Dean? Fuck you. I don't need you in my life, hurting me all the time. Stop bothering me and go find someone else to hurt." And with that, Cas slammed down the phone, ending the conversation. He was fuming on the outside, but deep inside he was torn apart. Had he just ended things with Dean before they even really began? All of his life, he had dreamed of becoming Castiel Milton-Winchester. Now that dream was fading fast and Cas was beginning to feel lost.

They both wanted to pick the phone up and call the other. They both wanted to apologize, say it was a stupid fight and they didn't really feel that way. But neither of them did. They let selfish pride win and prevent them from being together. It would be three years before they would speak to each other again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Two months later, on a cold January day, Becky Milton passed away. Cas and his father were devastated. Some people say they want to die from a long illness so their family has time to prepare, but nothing ever prepares you for the loss of a loved one. People told Cas that his mother was in a better place, no longer suffering. But, as selfish as it was, he didn't want her in a better place. He wanted her back, with him, alive and healthy and happy. She would never see him graduate high school. Or go off to college in the fall. She wouldn’t get to cry as they had their mother-son dance at his wedding. Cas's life would, from that moment on, be spent without his loving mother.

They couldn't stay in their old house, too many memories. In fact, they couldn't even stay in Seattle. And so Chuck and Cas packed their things and moved to Chicago. Chuck's company had a branch there and he could transfer without losing his job title, salary, or benefits. It seemed like the easiest option.

And for a while, the pain subsided. Cas was so busy moving and unpacking and exploring his new city that he didn't have time to think about Dean or his mother. He was so busy making new friends and getting accustomed to his new school that he forgot all about the pain that his life was putting him through. He was so busy trying to find the right grocery store, the right post office, the right bus stop that he no longer had time to focus on the sorrow that life had driven into him lately.

But at night, during the long, lonely hours of night, Cas would stay awake crying. Whether it be over Dean or his mother, Cas wept openly, letting the pain consume him. Moving to Chicago had gotten them out of the house, away from strong memories. But moving had also taken them away from their friends, from the support network they had built in Seattle. Cas had no one with whom he could discuss Dean. No one who knew that his mother had just died. Cas was trying so hard to fit in at school that he kept those things to himself, pretending to be a normal, happy teenager. But he wasn’t fitting in. It being the last few months before graduation, everyone else was busy trying to savor their last few moments with their lifelong friends. No one had time to fit Cas into their lives. So, despite his best efforts, Cas was still all alone.

\- - - - -

Cas didn't go the Art Institute of Seattle that fall. He couldn't go back, not when Seattle was filled with reminders of his mother. The hospice where she had lived for the last few months, the hospital they so often frequented, the pharmacy where they had picked up her many medications. Instead he took a year off, applying to other schools and exploring his options. He found a job as a waiter during the evenings, working so hard that he exhausted himself and fell into a deep sleep every night after work. His nights were no longer spent crying, though he still woke up with wet eyes from time to time. 

\- - - - -

The acceptance letter arrived in December, more than a year after the last time he had spoken to Dean. He had gotten into Boston University, early decision. He started in the fall of next year. He couldn't wait. Despite their fight the year before, Cas wanted to go to Boston and be with Dean, as he had asked. 

Cas was going to surprise him! Show up on his doorstep, apologize, and throw himself into Dean’s arms! He had grown up a lot in that year and he realized how stupid the fight was. He realized that the only reason they had fought was because they didn't want to say goodbye. So they created a reason to say goodbye. They made it easier on themselves. 

But that reason was invalid now. Now that he was moving to Boston, they could finally be together. They could do what other couples did: go on dates, sleep at each other's place, whatever they wished. They were both adults now, free to make their own decisions. 

Cas did not want to tell Dean over the phone. He didn’t want their apology to happen with so much distance between them, when they couldn’t kiss and have makeup sex afterward. So he resolved to wait. He would find out where Dean lived, show up at his door, and give him the good news. He couldn't wait to surprise Dean!

For the second year in a row, Cas didn’t wish Dean a Merry Christmas that December or a Happy Birthday the following January. 

\- - - - -

In the crisp air of February in the Northwest, Dean was walking up to the front porch of a house he had never visited, but had sent many a Hallmark card to over the years. He couldn't wait to tell Cas that he had moved out to the West Coast! Granted his internship and subsequent transfer had brought him to Portland, Oregon, but it was only three hours away from Cas's house. He could drive up on weekends to visit, spend all his free time with Cas. 

As he rang the doorbell, Dean tucked the flowers he had brought behind his back. He wanted to surprise Cas multiple times. First with his presence, then with his apology after nearly 15 months, then with flowers, then with sweeping Cas off of his feet. A smile overtook his face when he heard footsteps approaching the door. 

"May I help you?" An older gentleman in his sixties answered the door. This was no one Dean had met, nor someone whose picture he had seen before.

"Umm, I'm looking for Castiel Milton." Dean said awkwardly.

"Oh, I see. Well I'm sorry son, but the Miltons moved last year. Mrs. Milton passed away in January, so her husband and son moved to somewhere in the Midwest. Chicago maybe, I'm not sure. Our neighbor Tim told me about them. What a nice family, though. Everyone always says they were good people."

"They moved?" Dean couldn't believe it. He had known Becky hadn’t had much time to live and he knew that he and Cas had gotten into a fight, but he had expected Cas to call him when his mother died, to seek Dean’s comfort as Cas always had. He had planned to fly out for the funeral, to be there for Cas when Cas needed him most. It was a stupid fight anyway, so he had expected them to continue as though nothing had happened. He had waited all this time with the hope that things would be normal again. Now he was confronted with the truth: Cas was living life without him.

"Yes, sir. They moved last spring," the gentleman repeated. He looked worried, obviously reacting to the shock displayed across Dean's face.

"Oh. Thank you for your time," Dean said politely. He turned and walked back to the Impala. He leaned against the driver's side door and whipped out his cell phone.

"Hello?" Aunt Karen's voice rang out strong and familiar, comforting in such a confusing moment for him.

"Hey, Aunt Karen. It's Dean." 

"Oh, hi sweetie! And to what do I owe this long overdue call from my nephew whom I haven't spoken to since he left my house last August?" Her cheery voice brightened his mood a bit. He knew she was just joking about his lack of communication. He had always loved how happy and upbeat the Miltons were. It was one of the things that had first drawn him to Cas as a child.

"I'm standing here on Hanford Street-"

Aunt Karen cut him off, "He told me not to tell you." Aunt Karen knew exactly why Dean was in Seattle, why he was at Cas's former residence.

"Why?" He asked, a little hurt that Cas had instructed Karen to keep information from him. Especially as something as big as this. Maybe Cas really didn't want Dean in his life anymore.

"He was upset. His mother died and they were moving and he had just lost you. He wasn't thinking clearly. But I wanted to respect his wishes. So I kept my word." Her voice was sullen.

"I see," Dean replied numbly.

There was a pause in conversation before it dawned on Aunt Karen. "Wait a minute! What are you doing in Seattle?" She asked.

"Oh, mom didn't tell you? I moved to Portland, Oregon. I got an internship out here so I transferred schools and moved out West."

"No, she didn't tell me. Well, congratulations. I hope you'll be around for August reunions still." 

"I might not actually. My internship has me working through the summer. But if they like me, they could hire me part time during school and I could work my way to full time once I graduate."

"That's great honey! Well listen, if you get the chance to make it out here, you know we'd love to have you!"

"Of course. I love you."

"Love you, too."

Dean pocketed the phone and leaned against his car. If Cas had gone to such lengths to keep this information from him, maybe it was best to keep his distance. He didn't want to force his way into Cas’s life and risk losing him for good. 

The drive back to Portland seemed to take three years instead of three hours. More than once, Dean had to pull off and stop the car, blinded by tears he had been holding inside for twenty-one years. He had never cried over Cas because it was never really over with Cas in his mind. But now he couldn’t deny it: Cas was out of his life, he was no longer included in the things Cas did. The sheer agony of that realization was worse than death itself: it was living without the love of his life. Cas had told him to move on and find someone else, and he had clearly meant it. Dean wiped his tears and vowed to move on, to respect Cas’s wishes as Aunt Karen had. Dean loved Cas enough to do at least this one thing for him.  

\- - - - -

Cas breathed deeply, taking in the Boston summer air. He had been so busy moving his life around that he had missed the August reunion two years in a row. Last year, he had still been unpacking boxes, putting mom's things into storage, and trying to figure out where he was going to attend college. This year, he was busy packing up his life, asking his father repeatedly if he would be all right without him, and preparing to move to Boston. After his father assured him a thousand times that he would be fine, Cas had gotten into his car and driven the fifteen hours from Chicago to Boston.

Freshman orientation and registration had been a headache, but Cas was glad for the distraction. He was glad to be back on the East Coast. For him, the East Coast was filled with wonderfully happy memories. Of cousins he loved playing with, aunts who taught him family recipes, uncles who wrestled with him and threw him into the pool, beautiful summers filled with love and laughter. Boston would be perfect. After all, Dean was here. They would finally be together. 

He walked into the student center and looked around, reveling in the sight of so many people rushing about. The noise and chaos reminded him of squishing 120 people into Aunt Karen's house. Unlike most people, noise and chaos were comforting to Cas. He walked over to the information desk and waited in line. 

He reviewed his plan to surprise Dean in his mind. He was going to ask for Dean’s dorm number, show up unannounced, throw his arms around Dean, and pull Dean into the most passionate kiss of their lives: their first kiss.

"I need some information on a student please," he said when it was finally his turn.

"Okay, what's the last name?" the girl behind the desk asked.

"Winchester. Dean Winchester. He's a Senior engineering major," he added, to prove that he knew Dean and that it was okay to give him the information. He wasn't sure about their privacy practices, so he wanted to make sure his surprise plan would work.

"I'm not showing anything in the computer. Is he a current student?" the girl asked.

"Yes," Cas said, unaware of the truth.

"Umm, actually he's not," a voice came from behind him. A guy around Dean's age jogged over to Cas. "He was my roommate for two years. He transferred before last semester."

"He did?" Cas stepped out of line to talk to this man.

"Yeah. He got an internship out in Portland."

"Portland?" Cas's heart sank. He had moved to the East Coast and Dean had moved to the West Coast. Why had he told Aunt Karen not to tell Dean that they had moved? Maybe if Dean had known Cas was closer, he wouldn't have gone so far away. 

"Yeah," the guy repeated, unsure of what to say next. "I'm Kevin by the way." He extended his hand, which Cas shook politely.

"Nice to meet you Kevin. I'm Cas." Cas was taken aback by Kevin's reaction. Kevin obviously knew who he was.

"You're Cas? The Cas? Dean's Cas?" Kevin asked incredulously. Castiel nodded. "What are you doing here in Boston?"

"He asked me a while ago to come out here for school. So I did."

"I thought you were going to school in Seattle." Kevin motioned toward a bench that had just opened up. Cas nodded and followed him, taking a seat.

"My father and I moved during my senior year of high school and I didn't want to go back. So I took a year off and I looked for other options. Since Dean had asked me to come out here, I figured I might as well."

"Cas, he moved out West to be closer to you," Kevin blurted out.

Cas fell silent. Once again, Fate had played a cruel, cruel trick on them. Had they swallowed their pride and apologized, this whole situation could have been avoided. Cas would have gladly moved to Boston or stayed in Seattle had he known he could have been with Dean. He shook his head, trying to shake off this bad news. But it was there. A concrete truth. He had moved to the East coast and Dean had moved to the West coast. "Do you still talk to him?" Cas asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah. Every now and again, mostly through email," Kevin answered genially.

"Tell him I said hi." And with that, Cas stood up and walked away. He felt like he had just been hit in the chest with a sledge hammer. He felt like he was right back in the same place he had been two years ago. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Kevin must have talked to Dean because two weeks later, when Cas ran into Kevin by chance in one of the dining halls, he told Cas that Dean said hi as well. Cas politely offered to share his table with Kevin, which he accepted. As conversation flowed between them, Cas found himself becoming smitten. This was Dean's friend and former roommate, he was off limits. Still, Cas was developing a crush. It was the first time in his life that he had felt this way about anyone besides Dean. 

\- - - - -

Cas and Kevin quickly became good friends, hanging out often. They flirted back and forth, but nothing serious; just innocent young adult flirting, as college students often do. And as relatives had whispered about Cas and Dean growing up, friends now whispered about Cas and Kevin. They speculated about their relationship and when they would get together. They guessed about whether the two had slept together yet. Cas felt an odd familiarity in the situation. Things with him and Kevin were so similar to how things had been with him and Dean that Cas worried about what would go wrong and how long it would be before he and Kevin stopped speaking to each other as he and Dean had.

\- - - - -

"Dean told me to tell you that he'd be there this August." Kevin randomly brought up the topic of Dean again, diverting away from their conversation about the Revolutionary War and Boston's great historical sights. It was late April, only two weeks away from finals. Cas had enjoyed his freshman year. Kevin had shown him around, introduced him to a lot of great people. Boston had been a good fit for Cas.

"Oh. Okay." Cas replied uncomfortably. Why did he feel like he was cheating on Dean by being close with Kevin? Anytime Dean's name came up in conversation, a wave of guilt swept over Cas. They had never technically been together, so where was the harm in spending time with his friend? Why did it feel so wrong to have feelings for Kevin? 

"He asked if you would be there too. I told him I didn't know." Cas nodded, acknowledging that he had heard Kevin. "Will you be there?" Kevin pressed the issue.

"He asked you to find out, didn't he?" Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I'll be there," Cas said, grabbing his books and heading out of the library. Kevin quickly grabbed his things and headed after Cas.

"Wait! Cas! Where are you going?" He jogged a few steps to catch up. Cas wasn't necessarily running away from Kevin, but the delay in picking up his things was enough to put some distance between them.

"Could we just not talk about Dean, please?" Cas asked.

"Sure. Okay." Kevin said, falling into step beside him. "Why not?"

"Because every time you say his name, I feel guilty. Not just because of how close you and I have become, but because of what happened. Dean was my best friend for seventeen years. And I didn't tell him that my mother had died or that I had moved across the country. I didn't tell him that I was going to his former school. How can I just shut my heart off like that and forget about all that history?"

"Cas, you need to tell him all of this. You're obviously still in love with him. Just apologize to him and make things right again. I know he'll forgive you. And I know you'll forgive him, too. He misses you so much." 

"I miss him, too," Cas paused under a tall tree and leaned against its trunk. "This whole thing between us is stupid. I don't know why we ever let it come to that."

"I agree." They fell into a comfortable silence, watching other students go about their daily activities.

"I'm sorry, Kevin," Cas said, watching a couple lying in the grass, studying together.

"Sorry for what?" Kevin sought clarification.

"I feel like I've lead you on. I've been flirtatious all year... and now... now I'm going to go running back to Dean and apologize. I just feel bad, like I'm betraying you or something."

"Cas, look at me," he took Cas’s face in his hands. "I admit, I like you. You're fun, you're sweet, you're absolutely gorgeous, and smart to boot. But the truth is, I've listened to Dean talk about how much he loves for you so long that, once I started falling for you, I swallowed my feelings. You belong to Dean. You're soul mates. You're not mine to betray and you owe me nothing." 

"Thank you," Cas said, pulling Kevin in for a hug. 

"You're welcome." Kevin said, holding Cas tight. Cas felt safe inside that hug. Sure, Kevin was smaller than Cas, but Cas still enjoyed the feeling of being inside Kevin’s arms. Part of him wished things were different, that this wasn't Dean's friend, that he and Dean weren't destined for each other. Cas could easily see himself being happy with Kevin. He gave Kevin a quick squeeze and headed down the path. Kevin paused for a second to smile after him before following along happily.

\- - - - -

Cas had waited two months for this moment. From the random day during finals week that he had decided to apologize to Dean, he had wanted to call Dean every single day. But he knew the apology needed to be face to face. This wasn't something he could do over the phone. When Kevin had first told him that Dean would be at the family reunion that August, Cas had dreaded it. But, now, Cas looked forward to it. More than he ever had before. 

As he pulled into Aunt Karen's driveway, he smiled at the sight before him. Tents dotted the large yard, children ran about in the grass, and people were everywhere you looked. As he pulled into a spot in the grass and parked, Uncle Frank came running over. Uncle Frank was the oldest of the Winchesters, but he was the youngest at heart. As soon as Cas was out of his seat, Uncle Frank picked him up and kissed his head. "We've missed you, kiddo!" He said, putting Cas down and clapping him on the shoulder.

"I missed you, too," Cas replied honestly. He told himself that he would never miss another reunion. Three Augusts were too many Augusts to miss. Besides, he was so happy when he was here. No more excuses, he would make it every year from now on.

"So now that you're in Boston, you're going to come see me more often, aren't you?" Uncle Frank asked with a wink, showing Cas it was a request, not a demand.

"How did you know I was in Boston?" he asked, grabbing his bags and shutting the car door.

"Dean told us. He said you go to B.U. now."

"Dean's here? Already?" Cas asked, excitement rising within him. Uncle Frank nodded with a knowing grin on his face. "Wow, that was fast!" 

"He's been waiting for you all day. I suggest you go inside and wrap your pretty little arms around him before he combusts from impatience.”

“Yes, sir,” Cas said, giving Uncle Frank another hug before heading inside.

As if he hadn’t waited long enough to see Dean again, Cas’s path inside was delayed with relatives who stopped him to give hugs and ask how he was doing. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see his relatives and talk to them, he had missed them after all, but he was on a mission. He was looking for Dean, to apologize. He didn’t want to be impolite, so he obediently stopped and chatted with each person who wished to do so. 

While he was buried in a group of seven cousins, all of whom were excitedly asking what college was like and fantasizing about what their own college experience would soon be like, Dean walked out onto the deck and spotted him. Their eyes locked and they both smiled. Dean nodded to him, letting him know that it was okay to talk with the younger cousins, that he could wait. But Cas couldn’t. “Excuse me, guys,” he said to his cousins, stepping between them to get to Dean.

When he got close enough, Dean pulled him in tight to him and laughed with joy. “I’m sorry,” Cas said, his face buried in Dean’s shoulder.

“No need for apologies. I think we both know we’re sorry,” Dean replied, kissing the top of Cas’s head. 

“It’s good to see you again,” Cas said, pulling back to look at him. “You’ve grown,” he said, noticing how tall Dean had become in the past few years.

“You haven’t,” Dean teased, laughing heartily. 

“Assbutt!” Cas said, leaning up and finally allowing their first kiss to happen. It wasn’t passionate and lust-filled as they had imagined, it was soft and sweet and full of love. And with that kiss, their relationship came together again. The wounds from their fight were healed. They were comfortable enough to tease each other again, comfortable enough to hold each other again, comfortable enough to finally share a kiss. After pulling away and sinking into Dean’s chest, Cas sighed with relief and smiled, overwhelmed with the joy of having Dean back again. Dean kissed the top of his head and held him as close as was humanly possible. Dean was just so excited to see Cas, to hold him and to have him near him again, that he forgot all about his fiancé back in Portland.

 

They spent the next five days at each other’s side; inseparable, as they had been as children. Everyone talked with glee about how they would end up together, how they would finally be happy after so much time. They were old enough to start a real relationship now. They were now mature enough to handle the huge, complicated relationship that life had bestowed upon them. Everyone was thrilled, so happy to see two people they loved come together after such turmoil. Everyone looked forward to the wedding.

Cas and Dean had their own tent, a tent Dean had brought specifically for them and them alone. Every night for four nights, he held Cas in his arms. He took in the wonderful scent of Cas’s hair, felt the warmth of Cas’s body next to him, listened to the steady rhythm of Cas’s breathing. And every night his heart was heavy with thoughts of his fiancé Lisa back home. 

He had told Lisa not to come along, that he would introduce her to the family another time, that he hadn’t seen them in years and that he wanted to spend some real, quality time with them. And she had obeyed, being the sweet, trusting person that she was. She had no problem staying behind while he spent a week across the country. The fact that he was sleeping with his arms wrapped around Cas every night would never even enter her mind. She was in love and she trusted him wholeheartedly. 

The truth was, Dean was using this week as a test. If things worked out with him and Cas, he was going to break it off with Lisa, move back East, and make things work with Cas finally. But if things didn’t work out, he was going to go ahead with his plans to marry Lisa and start a family with her. 

Things were, indeed, working out with Cas. They were acting like a happy couple in love, something they had long waited for. Beyond cuddling every night and spending every moment together, there were other signs that told Dean that it could work between them. Little kisses at random moments, sneaking glances at each other, doing favors for the other. They were even beginning to talk like a couple, saying things like, “No thanks, we don’t want any.” Not ‘I don’t want any’, but ‘we’. Dean smiled happily to himself when he finally made his decision: he would tell Lisa it was over, he was in love with someone else, and he would move back home to be with Cas. 

The weight of that decision was off his shoulders and Dean never felt happier or freer. He found himself not only doing little favors for Cas, but doing little favors for everyone in the family. He practically danced around the property, practically sang every word that came out of his mouth. He was so overwhelmingly happy that he thought his heart would burst from being too full of love.

 

Aunt Ellen answered a knock at the door and found a young woman she'd never meet standing there with bags in her hand. The woman's name was Lisa and she said she was with Dean. She had come out for the weekend, the last few days that Dean would have there. She figured five days was a good enough time for Dean to reconnect with his family and she wanted to meet everyone. She had never imagined that there would be so many people. Dean had told her his family was big, but not this big. 

 

“Dean,” Aunt Ellen stepped onto the back deck, “someone’s here for you.”

“Who?” he said lightly, tickling the top of Cas’s knee with his fingertips. “Is it Cupid? Because he’s already found me.” He planted a kiss on Cas’s cheek as he stood up to follow Aunt Ellen.

“No. It’s someone named Lisa. I’m guessing she’s a friend of yours.” 

Dean’s knees buckled and he fell into his chair. Cas put a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

“Uh huh,” he lied. He felt sick, he felt his blood thickening. No one was supposed to find out about Lisa. No one knew about her and for a good reason. He had finally decided to be with Cas and make it work and, once again, life threw him a curveball. 

“Who’s Lisa?” Cas asked innocently, having no idea the depth of the situation.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I was going to break it off with her when I got back home. I promise. I was going to move back here and be with you.” 

“Who’s Lisa?” Cas’s tone turned harsh, accusatory. Here they were, right back in their old familiar place. 

Dean looked around at the many family members now staring at him. “Lisa is my fiancé,” he admitted. Cas immediately withdrew his hand from Dean’s and, without a word, got up and walked away. Dean stood up to follow after him when Lisa stepped shyly onto the back deck.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

        “Hey,” Lisa said sweetly. “I thought I’d surprise you. Come meet your family before the wedding. That way I would know everyone when they came out for the ceremony.”

She had no idea what she had just stepped into. She had expected to come to Massachusetts and meet his family, spend a few happy days with the people she would soon call her in-laws. But instead the vibe in the air felt more like a funeral than a happy reunion. She wondered what was causing the heaviness in the air, but she shrugged it off and put on a good face. She wanted to make the best first impression possible.

        “Oh… great,” Dean said, looking out into the yard toward some high grass. Unbeknownst to Lisa, he was watching Cas as he fled to their special spot to be alone. He could see that Cas was crying, that he had hurt Cas once more. But he couldn’t chase after Cas and let Lisa know he had cheated on her. So he gave in and turned around to face his fiancé. He plastered on a fake smile, ignoring the stares of his family members who had overheard the situation.

        Thinking quickly and not wanting any drama to ruin the week, Aunt Jody and Aunt Donna quickly got up and headed for Dean’s tent to clear all of Cas’s things out of it. They moved Cas’s things into a tent with some of the other cousins as Dean and Lisa sat down to talk.

        “What are you doing here?” Dean asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

        “I know you said to stay home and let you reconnect with your family, but I wanted to meet them before the wedding. After all, in just a few months they’ll be my family too,” she chuckled but stopped when she realized no one else was laughing with her.

        “Why didn’t you call?” Dean asked, trying to avoid the glares he was getting from his family members.

        “I wanted to surprise you. I thought you’d be happy to see me,” Lisa looked around, feeling like she was on display. She thought it was odd that everyone was staring at her as though she were an alien. As she looked at them, it hit her: there was no hint of recognition in their eyes; they didn’t know anything about her. “You didn’t tell anyone you were engaged, did you?” Dean couldn’t lie. It was precisely his lies that had always hurt Cas. And so he shook his head slowly, hoping Lisa wouldn’t be too mad. “Oh honey! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to just barge in here and drop this bombshell on your family,” she said sweetly, leaning in to hug him.

        “You’re not mad?” he asked, awkwardly wrapping his arms around her.

        “Not at all, sweetie. You were busy bonding with your relatives. You haven’t seen them in so long. I imagine you just wanted to catch up. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come unannounced.”

        “It’s okay,” he said, taking a quick glance at the spot in the grass where he knew Cas would be. “I just… well, it’ll be a shock to everyone, that’s all.”

        “You can say that again,” Uncle Benny said bitterly, getting up and walking inside.

        Dean didn’t even try to defend himself. He knew Uncle Benny was justified in his anger. Dean felt like the lowest of the low. What had he done? He had lead the love of his life on for nearly a week, making Cas think everything was fine and that they would be together again. He had lied to his family about what was going on in his life. He had cheated on his fiancé and had hidden her from everyone he loved. He was scum. He was lower than scum, if there was such a thing. His flesh crawled with self-loathing as he took Lisa around and introduced her to stunned family members.

 

        Dean and Lisa married later that year, having one ceremony in Portland for her family and another in Boston for his. Cas stayed far away from it. He took a week off and went to Chicago to see his father. He couldn't even be in the same city, let alone the same state, while Dean pledged his love for someone else and promised to be hers forever. He didn't want to risk running into anyone from the family or, even worse, Dean and Lisa together. So he decided that a trip to see his father would be the perfect distraction.

        But his week in Chicago was not enough of a distraction. Even being hundreds of miles away from the wedding didn't help ease the pain. His mind still knew what was going on. On Saturday at four o'clock in the afternoon, he cried harder than he ever had. The dream he had held onto since childhood, the dream of him and Dean saying their vows to each other, was gone.

 

        Cas felt so out of his element lately, even more than when his mother had died. He felt like a stranger in Boston without Dean, a stranger in Chicago without friends, and a stranger in Seattle without his mother. The only place he had truly felt at home was Uncle Bobby and Aunt Karen's house. And now even that was tainted.

        The sprawling property had been a steady place, a respite every year for the family. And while everything changed around them and life got chaotic, there was always Bobby and Karen's. Cas decided that once he graduated, he would move back to the small hometown where he had spent his earliest years. He would be close enough to help Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby baby-sit their grandchildren, close enough to visit the other Milton relatives who might need his help for something. But mostly he wanted to be close to a place where he felt at home. He was tired of feeling like a nomad, like a newcomer. He wanted familiarity, comfort, stability, even if it came with painful memories of Dean.

Dean. He was married now. He had moved on without Cas. Cas decided that it would best to get over him, too. To stop letting Dean and the possibility of him run his life. Dean would no longer be a factor in the decisions that Cas was making. From now on, his decisions would be his own. He would do what was best for Cas, no matter what.

        But vowing to move on and actually doing so were two totally different things. Kevin, being one of Dean's closest friends, knew what had happened that summer. So it was no surprise to him when he returned to school and Cas called him. He allowed Cas to come over and cry on his shoulder. And, as it often happens when feelings get intense, they bonded. They steadily became closer and closer.The following spring, Kevin finally got the nerve to make a very important phone call.

        "Hey man, it's Kevin," he said nervously.

        "Hey buddy!" Dean's voice was excited. "What's going on?"

        "I wanted to talk to you about something serious. Are you sitting down?"

        "Umm," Dean chuckled a bit, "now I am. What's up?"

        "I wanted to ask your permission to date Cas," Kevin sounded like a small child about to be scolded. He knew the history between them, he had listened to Dean both gush and rant about Cas, he had comforted his friend when the pain became too much. And now he felt like he was asking to take Cas away from Dean, although Dean had already sealed their doom by saying "I do" to Lisa.

        Dean didn't speak for several minutes. He didn't know what to say. He knew he had made the mistake of marrying Lisa and had finally driven Cas away for good. He knew that Cas would eventually move on and find someone to make him happy. God, he wanted Cas to be so happy! But he didn't want to share him with anyone else. It was selfish and stupid and cruel, but he wanted Cas to be available should he ever decide to leave Lisa.

        If Cas had showed up to a family reunion with someone else, already taken, Dean would have to accept it. There was nothing he could do about it. But here was Kevin, a groomsmen at his wedding, asking his permission to be with Cas, asking Dean to make the decision as to whether Cas could move on or not. For the first time in his life, Dean swallowed his selfishness and decided to do what was best for Cas. "Yeah. That would be great. He needs someone who will take care of him and treat him right."

        "Are you sure man? I know what he means to you."

        Dean told the truth. "Yeah, I’m sure. I need to do what's best for Cas for once in my life. I've spent so long making him wait and making him miserable. He needs to be happy." Dean paused to wipe away a tear that was falling from his eye. "Just promise me that you'll be good to him. Promise me you'll treat him... better than I've treated him."

        "I promise," Kevin stated solemnly, truly meaning it. Dean had no doubt that Kevin would treat Cas well. Kevin was the best man Dean knew, apart from Sammy.

        Dean hung up the phone without saying goodbye. He couldn't believe that he had been selfless enough to do that for Cas. Cas had been right during their big fight: Dean had never come to see him. He had never really made any big gesture of selflessness to show Cas how much he loved him. This was the one thing he could do for Cas, the one way he could make him happy. And so he did.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

        Cas and Kevin were so happy, they did everything together. Including spending a summer in Germany on a study abroad program. Kevin was an engineering major, so he signed up for a program at a sister school in Munich that had an intensive engineering component to it. Cas, having gone into art, signed up for a program at the same school that focused on European art throughout the ages. So during the day, while Kevin was off exploring the engineering divisions at local companies as well as the German military bases, Cas was visiting museums and art galleries, studying the great painters of years past. And in the evenings, they spent time together. Doing touristy things, going out to bars, just being together. They were having so much fun that Cas barely remembered that he was missing out on this year’s August reunion. They were having so much fun that they signed up for another program at a school in London, missing the August reunion yet again the next year.

        Two years had passed since Cas had been to Aunt Karen’s with the family, since Dean had gotten married, since he and Kevin had gotten together. He was finally starting to feel normal again, like he could be happy without Dean, happy with someone else. Maybe it was just the euphoria of studying abroad, but for the first time in his, Cas was finally starting to feel like he had moved on.

 

        Later that year, the family received some joyous, albeit bittersweet, news. Welcome to the world Damien and Benjamin Winchester! Twin boys, born to Dean and Lisa. Twin boys who, so far, looked just like their father. Twin boys who consumed so much time in his life that Dean forgot all about his heartache and pain, his heart filled with so much love for these babies. His babies. He reveled in fatherhood, doting on his sons as though they deserved the world. To him, they did.

        That August, Aunt Jody looked down into the playpen where the two bundles of joy lay and her mind flashed back to twenty-four years ago, when Dean had looked just like that. Jody smiled at the memory of a time when Dean lived without pain. A time before he had met Cas. How cruel life had been to those two.

        Jody looked up at the proud parents, who had been brave enough to make a cross country drive with two eight-month-olds. She smiled at Lisa, who was bent over the playpen lovingly watching her sons interact. Jody looked over at Dean, who was staring out of the window, so intensely quiet among all the chaos around him. She went over and put a hand on his back. The moment she touched him, he began to weep. He quietly excused himself and headed outside. Jody knew right where he was heading.

 

        "Hey," Jody said softly, coming out to Dean and Cas's special spot after about twenty minutes. "Lisa was asking where you went. I told her you went for a walk, that you needed to stretch your legs."

        "Thanks," Dean said, looking out over the tall grass in the field. "We used to hide in here when we were kids, when we were small enough that the grass concealed us. We used to pretend like the only thing that existed in the world was him and me, here, in this place. Best friends forever."

        "Can I ask you something?" Aunt Jody took a step closer.

        "Sure," Dean turned to face her, tears staining his face.

        "What brought this on? You've been so... happy lately. Why are you suddenly so sad again?"

        "I talked to Kevin..." Dean's voice trailed off as he looked her shoulder at Lisa, who was now leaning against the upper deck railing, watching people splashing in the pool.

        "Are they engaged?" Jody asked apprehensively, following his gaze and seeing Lisa.

        Dean chuckled, which caused Aunt Jody to turn back around. "No, just... Cas and Kevin broke up." He sighed heavily. It felt good to tell someone why he was so down lately.

        "What happened?" Jody quickly caught herself. "I'm sorry, if you don't want to talk about it, we-"

        "No," Dean cut her off. "It feels good to talk about it. I haven't told anyone yet." He kicked at some dirt on the ground and smiled, remembering how he and Cas had loved to draw in that dirt, using sticks like paint brushes and pencils. "Kevin proposed to Cas. And Cas turned him down. He said he knew that Cas would, but the relationship just wasn't going anywhere and, after three years, he needed to move forward or move on."

        "And he told you all of this? Why?" Jody asked incredulously.

        "Because Cas told him the truth. That even though I was married, he couldn't give up on me. And as long as I was alive, he wasn't going to marry anyone else. He said it wasn't fair. To himself, to Kevin, to me. He didn't want to promise to love only Kevin because it would be a lie. I think Cas was more upset about the break up than Kevin was."

        "Have you talked to him?" Aunt Jody put a sympathetic hand on Dean’s arm.

        "No. We haven't spoken since he found out about Lisa. I can't say I blame him. That was a pretty jerk move on my part."

        "You can't take all the blame, you know. Some of it was you, some of it was him, some of it was life. You can't help it. I just wish things had turned out differently for you two."

        "I do, too." Dean looked back out over the grass. Aunt Jody joined him at his side.

        After a minute, Aunt Jody spoke up again. “I’m glad he had Kevin.”

        “Me, too. He was good to Cas,” Dean said, putting an arm around his favorite aunt.

        “No. I’m glad he had Kevin because he kept Cas connected to you.” Dean looked questioningly at Aunt Jody. “Oh come on, kiddo! Everyone knows you belong together.”

        “I’m married,” Dean said flatly, a thin argument that everybody knew held no water.

        “But are you happy?” Aunt Jody said sharply before ducking out of his embrace and leaving him alone to think about it. She didn’t condone divorce, but she also couldn’t sit back and watch two people she loved be so miserable.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Three years later, with much pushing from Lisa, she and Dean decided to move out to Massachusetts. Lisa loved it there when they visited in the summers and she had secretly checked out the school system the year before to see if she liked it. She had, indeed. And so she brought it up to Dean, who mulled over the idea for days before finally agreeing. The boys wanted to move, they shouted about how exciting it would be to be near Nana and PopPop Winchester. Lisa wanted to move, citing the New England friendliness, the good schools, and the beautiful neighborhoods. She had even researched houses in the area and had a few picked out. 

Dean didn't want to be the one to hold them back. He made a point that the boys were only three and they still had a year to make a decision before the boys entered preschool. But Lisa countered by pointing out the importance of getting the children established in an area and into a routine before starting a new school. He had no good excuse for staying in Portland, except to argue that Lisa's parents were there. She countered with the fact that Dean's family was larger, which provided more baby-sitters should they need it. Besides, she pointed out, they had made a trip to Massachusetts every summer since the boys were babies anyway, why not just go earlier in the summer and visit her parents? They could still visit both families, Dean wouldn’t miss the August reunion, and they wouldn’t be spending any additional money, since they already basically made the same trip. With his only arguments shot down, Dean begrudgingly agreed to return to Massachusetts; close to where he had grown up, close to his family, close to Cas. 

That August, instead of packing for a week, they packed for the rest of their lives. Instead of bringing one suitcase, they brought all of their possessions. Instead of piling into one car, Dean drove a moving truck while Lisa followed with the car. The long, cross country drive alone gave Dean plenty of time to think, and plenty of time to get nervous. 

Would he be strong enough to stay away from Cas, to be faithful to Lisa? He did love Lisa. But he wasn't in love with her. It was more of an acquired respect for the woman who had sacrificed for him, the woman who had carried his children, the woman with whom he had made a home. But he was in love with Cas. And he didn't know if he had the self-discipline to stay away. Without 3,000 miles to separate them, the temptation to be together would be too much. 

\- - - - -

Cas didn’t recognize the van in front of him, didn’t take note of the passengers as he drove down the road that led to Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby’s. But when the van turned on its signal and pulled into the long driveway, the driveway he himself had turned onto so many times, he took a closer look. Massachusetts plates. He ran through his head the possible list of relatives who would have Massachusetts plates. The van looked well used, but none of the relatives he could think of had a car like that. But the tags were new, so maybe someone had bought a used car. 

As he pulled into a parking spot alongside the car, he glanced over. His blood curdled as his eyes met Dean’s. What was he doing here? With her? And with Massachusetts plates? Aunt Karen hadn’t told him that Dean was coming this year. In years past, Aunt Karen had coordinated their schedules, letting Cas know which days Dean would be there so he could stay away for those few days before he returned to Portland. But here he was, with no advanced warning, with Lisa and their children in tow. Five years without a word and now here they were: face-to-face. 

Dean smiled warmly at him and he felt his heart melt. Despite everything that had happened, despite five years of silence, Dean still had a smile that made Cas weak in the knees. He smiled back before getting out of his car. He walked around his car and hugged Dean warmly.

“Long time no see,” he put on a good face for Dean. He wanted to be happy for Dean. He was glad that Dean was happy, that he had made a family, and that he was enjoying life as a father. So Cas tamped down his own feelings and decided to treat Dean like all of the other Winchester and Milton cousins. He stepped out of Dean’s embrace and made his way around the car. He extended his hand. “Hi, Lisa. I’m Cas. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Cas,” Lisa shook his hand and smiled sweetly. Cas had to admit, Lisa seemed like a good person. “I’m surprised we’ve never met before. We’ve been out here for the past couple years.”

“I missed the past few years. I’m busy.” Cas saw Dean glance over at him, knowing this was a lie. Dean had known how Aunt Karen coordinated their schedules, how she helped them both out by keeping Cas and Lisa from meeting. But that was back when Dean had only been able to come for a few days. With them living so close and with Lisa insisting they spend the entire week with the family from now on, it would be impossible for Cas and Dean to avoid each other.

“Oh, I see,” Lisa replied. “What changed this year?”

“I graduated in May, so I’m not as busy with summer classes or internships,” Cas said, glancing sideways at Dean, letting him know that it was okay for him to learn more about Cas’s life these days. “So now here I am, prepared for a week of utter and perfect chaos.” Lisa chuckled a little, already liking Cas. 

Dean helped the twins out of the car and went to the trunk to grab their things. Both boys came over to Cas and hugged his leg. “Hi!” Ben said excitedly. “I’m Ben. This is my brother Damien. Who are you?”

“That’s Uncle Cas,” Dean replied, pulling their tent out of the trunk in preparation to set it up. 

“Hi, Uncle Cas!” Damien said, coming over and hugging Cas’s other leg.

Cas reached down and picked Damien up, giving him a hug. “Hi buddy! It’s nice to meet you.”

“What about me?” Ben said, looking up at Cas with those same eyes, those green eyes that had melted his heart every time, Dean’s eyes.

“You too, pal!” Cas hoisted Ben up onto his other hip.

“You can hold two of us at once?!” Damien’s eyes lit up with fascination.

“Sure can. You know why?” Cas said playfully.

“Why?” both boys demanded to know.

“Because I’m magical,” Cas replied, snuggling both boys close. 

Dean looked up at a sight he never thought he would see: Cas was being playful and bonding with his sons, with Lisa’s sons. He smiled at the image of Cas, seemingly happy with his boys. Maybe Cas was okay with situation after all. Maybe Cas could be selfless enough to be part of his sons’ lives. Maybe he was still the wonderful Cas that Dean had fallen in love with. The Cas who did things for other people. The Cas who put family first, always. “He’s right,” Dean thought to himself, “he is magical.”

“You’re really magical?” Damien asked. “Can you make things disappear?”

“I could. But not right now. Maybe later in the week I’ll reveal my magician’s secrets to you,” Cas said, squatting down and setting the boys on the ground. He stayed knelt down at their level. “And maybe later I’ll show you my Jedi powers.”

“You’re a Jedi?!?!” Ben jumped up and down with excitement.

“Yes, but it’s a secret. No one can know. So don’t tell,” Cas said, putting his finger to his lips. 

“It’s a secret,” Damien promised. He and Ben put their fingers to their lips as well, showing that they weren’t going to tell anyone.

“Daddy?” Ben asked. “Can we play with Uncle Cas?” Dean looked at Cas, who didn’t seem to mind. But Dean still wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Cas was great with kids but these were his kids, so maybe it was best to keep a distance.

“Maybe later. Why don’t you guys go find Nana and PopPop buddy?”

“Nana and PopPop are here?!” Damien asked enthusiastically.

“Yes, sir,” Dean responded, coming over and tousling Damien’s hair. Both boys’ eyes lit up and they ran off to find their grandparents. “Careful guys! Don’t fall and get hurt!” Dean shouted after his boys, his affection for his sons impossible to hide.

“Wow! Not shy at all, are they?” Cas laughed. “They take after their daddy I see.”

“Yeah, they come by it naturally,” Dean smiled and headed over to set up his tent.

“Well, it was nice to meet you, Lisa,” Cas said, offering Lisa a hug instead of a handshake this time. They were, after all, family.

“You, too,” Lisa accepted Cas’s embrace. She smiled after she pulled back. “I’ll see you around.”

“Of course. It’ll be a long week, I’m sure we’ll see a lot of each other.” And with that Cas smiled and headed inside to say hello to everyone.

 

Lisa headed over to help Dean set up the tent before they went to say their hellos, knowing they would get sucked into conversation. With the Winchesters and Miltons, it was best to get everything important out of the way before starting a conversation. Otherwise you would be chatting for hours, not even realizing that time was passing. 

“Dean, how come you’ve never mentioned Cas before?” Lisa inquired as she approached the spot Dean had chosen for their tent.

“There are a lot of cousins, honey. There are a lot of names I’ve not mentioned,” he answered, only being half truthful. There were a lot of cousins and a lot of names he had never mentioned, but that wasn’t why he had never spoke of Cas. 

“I like him! He seems really sweet. And he’s really good with the boys!” Lisa said enthusiastically. Dean only hoped that Lisa wouldn’t try to get to know Cas better, not for his sake, but for Cas’s. He knew Cas would be uncomfortable talking to Lisa, talking to the woman he had married when they had, for so long, dreamed of marrying each other. 

But Cas had seemed okay getting out of the car and hugging Dean. Cas had voluntarily walked up to Lisa and introduced himself. Cas had played with their children. Maybe Cas had actually moved on. Maybe Cas was really okay with the way their lives had turned out. Dean found himself envying Cas. He was not okay with it. He had not accepted things as easily as Cas seemed to be accepting them. 

 

Inside, Cas was greeting relatives and catching up on how things had been in the past year. It was only the first day of the reunion and the house was already swarming with people. Cas found plenty of people to talk to, plenty of ways to distract herself from thoughts of Dean and Lisa. And, for most of the day, things were going pretty well. Dean and Lisa were busy keeping after the twins, chatting with other family members, and playing games. And since there were about 8 different groups of people playing 8 different games, in addition to people swimming, chatting, reading, watching TV, and various other activities, it didn’t seem odd to Lisa that Cas and Dean hadn’t really run into each other much. It wasn’t obvious that they avoiding each other, after all it was completely possible that they happened to be in different places at different times. 

But Lisa was the only adult to whom this did not seem odd. To everyone else, everyone who knew how inseparable Cas and Dean were, how they had always gone out of their way to hang out together, this was definitely abnormal. Some brushed it off, figuring they had just grown up and moved on. Other assumed it was because Lisa was here and, therefore, Cas and Dean couldn’t be together too much, lest it seem suspicious. And still others assumed it was because of the immense heartache that being together had always caused them. They guessed that Cas and Dean were staying away from each other because it hurt too much to be together. No one could have known the truth: Cas and Dean were staying away from each other so that they wouldn’t be tempted to get together again. They were using aversion as their only tool to keep themselves from repeating years of history. 

\- - - - -

Early the next morning, Cas was sitting in the dining room eating breakfast. Only a handful of people were awake when Ben and Damien came bursting through the front door with a still-sleepy Dean in tow. The boys ran excitedly into the kitchen. 

From the dining room, Cas could hear Dean mumbling orders to his children: “Guys, stay quiet, people are still sleeping, just like you should be”, “Ben, just wait, I’m getting your food”, “Damien, put that muffin down, those are for the adults.” 

Cas chuckled to himself, knowing how exhausted Dean must be. The men in the family had stayed up late last night playing cards. While most of the kids went to bed around ten and most of the women turned in around one, most of the men had been up until three. It being six a.m., Cas could imagine how tired Dean was. Cas was never tired; in fact he barely slept. He preferred to be awake, to be active, to be involved in things. Sleep was unproductive in his mind and he rarely slept more than four hours in a night.

Dean came into the dining room with two plates and set them down. He was quickly followed by the boys, who scrambled up onto chairs and started eating without silverware. “Hey! Forks!” Dean corrected his sons. 

“You look exhausted,” Cas said, causing Dean to look up and notice him. 

“I am,” Dean replied, attempting a smile before a yawn caught him.

“Go back to bed, Dean. I’ll look after the boys,” Cas offered.

“Are you sure? That’s a little…” Dean’s words trailed off. He didn’t need to explain. Cas knew what it was.

“It’s fine. I put Raphael’s kids to sleep last night so that he could play cards. I’m a Milton, I’ve taken care of millions of children.” They both laughed, knowing that, while this was an exaggeration, it wasn’t terribly far from the truth. “It’s really okay.” Cas smiled to show that he truly all right with it. 

“Thanks. I could use the sleep. And it’s not like you ever sleep,” Dean laughed. They knew each other so completely. “You guys stay here with Uncle Cas, daddy’s going back to sleep. He’s tired.”

“Okay, daddy,” Ben said, taking a forkful of eggs.

“Be good,” Dean commanded before heading out the door and back to sleep in his tent.

“Can you show us your magic?” Damien asked, bouncing up and down in his seat.

“Yes I can,” both boys began to cheer, “but!” Cas stopped them, “only after you finish your food. And if you’re quiet and don’t wake anyone else up. People are still sleeping, they’re not fun like us!” Cas laughed.

“We promise!” the boys said in unison, turning back to their food to finish their breakfast. Cas smiled at the two. They were handsome little boys, and they were well behaved for their age. Cas would never have thought it possible, but he loved these little guys. They were exactly what he had pictured when he had dreamt of his future children with Dean.

 

After their breakfast was finished and their dishes put quietly away in the sink, Cas took the boys back into the dining room. He grabbed a candle and a lighter, prepared to show them some “magic”. He set the candle on the table in front of the boys. They sat in their chairs in anticipation, keeping their eyes glued on the candle. Cas lit the candle and told the boys, “Prepare yourselves for the magical, mystical Jedi powers of Uncle Cas!”

With the candle lit and the boys' eyes glued on the flickering flame, Cas placed his hand over the flame. "I'm concentrating with my mind powers," he told them. Knowing that the boys were watching the candle and not his face, he began to softly blow, vanquishing the flame after a few seconds.

"Wow!" both boys exclaimed.

"You really ARE magic," Ben said, looking at Cas with a stunned expression. 

"Do it again! Do it again!" Damien commanded, bouncing in his seat once again.

"Okay guys, one more time," Cas said, relighting the candle and repeating the trick.

"Can you teach us?" Damien inquired. 

"Maybe someday." Cas smiled at them. He couldn't ignore their pleading eyes, those eyes that melted his heart, those eyes that these two beautiful boys had inherited from their beautiful father. "Oh, all right," he sighed, once more giving into those eyes. He stepped into the other room and grabbed two more candles as the boys waited in anticipation. He set one candle in front of each of the boys, sliding the other candle in front of himself. He lit all three in preparation for the lesson.

Behind him, Dean slipped quietly into the door. He was nowhere near rested enough, but he couldn't help himself. If Cas was going to take care of his children, he wanted to see how he did. "After all," he thought, "he might be their stepfather one day." He positioned himself around a corner, where he could watch Cas from behind but where the boys couldn't see him to ruin his cover.

"Okay guys. Now the first thing you have to do is imagine your thoughts traveling from your head, down your arm, and coming out of your hand. Imagine them on your hand, like sweat or sticky food." Both boys laughed at this. "Now, put your hand over the candle, not too close," Cas cautioned. Both boys obeyed. "Now what we do is think real hard. Concentrate on the flame blowing out. Think about how you want that flame to go out. Beg it with your mind, like you beg mommy for candy. But don't say it out loud or the flame gets shy and won't go away. Ready?" Both boys nodded and positioned their hands over the flame. Their faces contorted as they tried their hardest to concentrate. Cas pretended to struggle too. But after about ten seconds, he softly blew the flame out.

From behind her, Dean fought a laugh. "What a clever trick," he thought. He leaned around the corner and watched his two sons, their faces scrunched, their eyes fixed on the candles in front of them. 

"Come on guys, you can do it," Cas cheered them on, knowing the trick wouldn't work for them. 

"I don't think we're doing it right," Ben said, pulling his hand back and sulking. Damien quickly followed.

"Well it takes years to get it right. It's a very hard trick to use your mind to control the flame. It takes a lot of practice," Cas said, blowing out the boys' candles and pulling all three candles towards him. 

"Uncle Cas has been trying to teach me for years and I still can't do it," Dean said, stepping out from his hiding spot and causing Cas to jump. "I think he's just that magical." 

"You scared me," Cas said, shrinking away from Dean when he placed a hand on Cas’s back to calm him.

"Right. Sorry." Dean apologized. Not for frightening Cas, but for touching him. That was entering a territory they had been actively avoiding this year.

"Daddy's right, guys," Cas addressed the boys, choosing not to further acknowledge Dean's touch, "some people just have to try real hard to get it. But don't worry, I think you'll get it someday."

"Daddy, can we go play?" Ben asked, abandoning the idea of candles and magic.

"Upstairs in the playroom. Quietly," Dean commanded, showing the boys the way. 

 

Cas began cleaning up the candles, assuming that Dean was off playing with his kids. But as he was putting the candles back into the cupboard where they were stored, Dean walked into the kitchen. "Nice trick," he commented, leaning against a counter.

"Yeah. I pulled that stunt on a friend's kid in Seattle. He figured it out and got mad at me," Cas chuckled. "Of course he was twelve, but still..." He closed the cupboard and turned around to face Dean. His heart skipped a beat as he took in the sight of Dean. His hair was disheveled from a night of sleeping, stubble lined his jaw, he was still in his pajamas, and his million-dollar smile was plastered across his face. Cas blushed and looked away.

"You still have that affect on me, too," Dean said, closing the distance between them and putting a hand on Cas’s arm. Cas looked up and Dean’s eyes caught his. Cas felt himself falling once more, repeating a routine that they had carried out a thousand times before. 

At the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs, Cas backed away and pretended to be looking through cabinets for something. Uncle Gabriel came into the kitchen just as Dean was pretending to put a plate away in the sink. "Hey you two, no hanky panky in the-" he stopped himself, realizing what he was saying. He shrugged and smiled apologetically. "Old habits die hard," he added, shirking away to get his breakfast. "Who cooked?" he inquired, desperate to change the subject. 

"I did," Cas said, eager to let him jump topics. "And I made your favorite: sunny side up!"

"Well thank you, Sir Cas," Gabriel said, giving Cas a dazzling smile before getting his breakfast.

Cas took a long look at Dean before heading out towards the back deck. Dean caught Cas’s hand as he walked past, something that was not missed by Uncle Gabriel's peripheral vision. Cas shook his head, motioning toward Uncle Gabriel, who then pretended to busy himself with his food.

"Please," Dean mouthed, careful not to make any noise and draw attention to himself. Cas shook his head, trying his best not to give in as he always did. "Later, then," Dean whispered in Cas’s ear, squeezing his hand lovingly before releasing him. Cas did nothing to acknowledge his words. He didn't want to agree with Dean, afraid of what the consequences might be. But he also couldn't deny Dean. He was, after all, his beloved Dean.

 

Dean watched Cas walk away sadly, wishing things had turned out differently for them. Cas had told Kevin that he would wait for Dean. And, yet, he was shrinking away from Dean, averting his eyes, and ignoring his advances. He didn't understand why Cas wouldn't let him in, why Cas wouldn't let his guard down. Cas had said he would wait forever for Dean and, yet, he seemed to be pushing Dean away.

"You're playing a very dangerous game, Dean Winchester," Uncle Gabriel said, flashing Dean a stern look to further his point.

"I'm not doing anything wrong. I just want to talk to him," Dean defended himself, a weak defense.

"Yeah. And that's all you want," Uncle Gabriel looked him right in the eyes. Dean looked away, feeling guilty. Uncle Gabriel was right, but Dean didn't want to admit it. He wanted to believe that they could be friends, that they could just talk, that things could be civil between them once more. But he knew it was an impossible dream. Uncle Gabriel saw the defeat in Dean's eyes and sighed. "Just don't hurt him again. You've hurt him enough." And with that, Uncle Gabriel walked away, leaving Dean alone to think about his actions.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

They spent the rest of that day as they had the previous day: avoiding each other. In fact, they barely spoke for the rest of the week. It was as though their conversation in the kitchen never happened. Dean wanted so badly to be friends with Cas again, but Uncle Gabriel’s words were ever-present in his mind. And so it was in their best interest, at least for a couple of days, to stay away from each other.

During that week, 'Uncle Cas' had become a new favorite of Ben and Damien's and they played with Cas every chance they got. Of course this wasn't hard, since Cas kept himself busy obeying the commands of all of the children present. He swam with them, played tag with them, raced cars with them, anything the kids wanted. Cas was great with children, everyone remarking how he would make such a wonderful father someday. But he was really just using the children as an excuse to stay away from Dean. And as much as Dean and Lisa loved the twins, they were thrilled to have a break and have more adult time. 

\- - - - -

On Thursday of that week, Cas volunteered to take all of the younger kids to the park and let the adults have a real break. The problem was that there were 10 kids, all under the age of ten, and every single one of them wanted to go. There was no way Cas could transport 10 kids in one vehicle. He had Uncle Benny's van that seated his 6 kids with room for 2 more up front. But what to do about the other 3 kids? 

That's when Dean stepped in. Whether he was being a worried parent that didn't want to relinquish his children, a kind cousin who wanted to help, or a lover who had finally found an excuse to be alone with his beloved, he seemed more than eager to come along. Their relatives were suspicious: what was Dean's motive? 

But Lisa was excited. What a great opportunity it would be for her to get to know his relatives one on one, since most of them were living in the same area now. And how nice it was of him to volunteer to help out his cousin Cas, who had been so wonderful with all of the kids lately. Lisa felt so proud of her husband, being nice enough to do this. If only she knew.

 

As Cas maneuvered the van into a parking spot at the park, a feeling of excitement came over him. He knew it was wrong to be excited about this opportunity to be alone with Dean, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted so desperately to be Dean’s friend again. Even if it was hard and even if they had to constantly work at it, Cas wanted his best friend back. He smiled warmly at Dean as Dean stepped out of his van and helped the kids get out. Cas walked over to the side door of Uncle Benny’s van and pulled it open, letting out the swarming mass of passengers. 

As all 10 kids ran happily towards the playground, Cas motioned for Dean to follow him. They walked over to a bench that provided a great vantage point: the playground in front of them, providing a clear view of all of the kids, and trees above and around them, practically enveloping them in the branches. It was a cozy little spot to open up communication again.

As he sat down, Cas took a head count of the kids. All ten were there. They were playing in different parts of the playground, but still all there. The park wasn’t very crowded that day, so he wasn’t too concerned with losing sight of his charges. Still, he wanted to keep tabs on his troop.

“Look, about Monday morning,” Dean began to apologize, but Cas stopped him.

“It’s fine. I wanted to talk to you, too. I’ve really missed you,” Cas smiled at him.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Dean said, fighting his instinct to take Cas’s hand. Cas was making such an effort to be friends again, to let Dean into his life again, Dean didn’t want to ruin by pushing things too fast or crossing any line. 

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” Cas whispered to himself, looking out over the playground and taking another head count of the children.

“You just counted like a minute ago,” Dean laughed.

“A lot can change in a minute, Dean. Especially with kids. I just want to make sure that I come back with all of the children I left with. I know there are a lot of us, but I think we’d still miss the kid if we lost one,” Cas chuckled and Dean joined him. They laughed warmly together, more for the joy of becoming friends again than the joke Cas had made. As they talked, they kept their gazes on the children, not daring to look into each other’s eyes. They knew the temptation that would be there; and neither one wanted to cross that line.

“Gave up Baby, I see,” Cas opened up conversation.

“Well, not exactly. I still have her,” Dean supplied, “but we got a van when we moved to Massachusetts. We figured we’d need more space if we had any more…” his voice trailed off. Besides him, Cas stiffened a bit. They both knew what Dean had been about to say: “if we had any more kids”. The reminder that Dean was married and a father was like a physical blow to Cas’s heart. 

“So…” Dean took a deep breath of the warm New England air, hoping to change the subject and ease the tension between them. “What have you been up to lately, Cas?”

“I work for the MFA, Museum of Fine Arts.”

“Wow! How’d you get in there?” Dean marveled. Of course magical Cas would be able to get a job at one of the most prestigious art museums in the area!

“I had a professor who knew some people. He got me an internship and I’ve been there ever since. They hired me after graduation. It’s just office work, phones and stuff, but still… it looks good on a resume.” 

“Wow! Congrats on a killer job!” Dean beamed.

“Thanks,” Cas sat up suddenly, his eyes fixed on the playground. “Where’s Uriel?”

“Inside the wooden fort thing,” Dean said.

“Oh, okay,” Cas calmed down.

“Relax, Cas! You’re not going to lose a kid!”

“Still… I worry.”Cas chewed his bottom lip.

“You always were the responsible one,” Dean turned to look at Cas finally. 

“Thanks,” Cas said, getting quiet and turning away.

Dean sighed heavily, a sigh of obvious frustration. “Look, let’s just be honest with each other, okay?” Cas nodded, not quite understanding what Dean was getting at. “Cas, look at me.” Castiel obeyed. “If we can’t look at each other, if we constantly look away when the other makes eye contact, if we clam up when the other speaks, this will never work. We’ll never be friends again. And I know that’s not what you want. I know you miss “us” as much as I do. And I’m not talking about “us” as a couple, I’m talking about “us” as friends, as best friends. We can’t keep avoiding each other just because the temptation is there. But we do have to be vigilant and make sure not to cross that line. So I say we start now. We can look at each other and talk to each other, but no touching, okay? No mention of how we feel, no mention of our romantic history. Just friends and nothing more. What do you think?”

“I think I’d like that,” Cas smiled at Dean and Dean’s heart soared. “At this point, I guess I have to take what I can get.” It had been meant as a joke, but to Dean there was a hint of longing. As though ‘take what I can get’ implied that Cas wanted more. Dean’s hope was still alive and he prayed, in time, that they could return to what they once were; and, perhaps someday, become what they might have once been. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.” Cas smiled, satisfied that all 10 children were still there.

“Have you ever thought about being a camp counselor?” Dean asked, a grin plastered across his face.

“Yeah…” Cas replied apprehensively, not sure why Dean was asking this.

“Don’t do it!” Dean laughed, “you’d worry yourself sick with those head counts every two minutes.” He lightly jabbed Cas’s side to show that he was joking. Cas smiled and rolled his eyes. 

The remaining 2 hours at the park were spent in a light hearted euphoria, conversation flowing just as easily as it once had. Things were finally beginning to return to normal for Cas and Dean.

 

When they returned to Karen and Bobby’s, their relatives were watching them, looking for signs of what might have happened at the playground. After Cas made sure all of the parents knew their children were back safely, he took a seat out on the lower deck, watching a card game being played by several of their aunts. A short time later, Dean and Lisa joined them, along with their cousin Anna. 

Anna had brought a deck of cards and immediately began dealing them out without declaring what game they were playing. Card games were such a part of the family’s life that they could tell from the deal what game was being played. And as their aunts and uncles had strict rules about each game, nothing more needed to be discussed. Everyone understood without speaking what game they were about to play. Everyone except for Lisa. 

As she picked up her hand of cards, she looked around, trying to discern from the others’ actions which game they intended to play. Cas noticed, remembering that Lisa was not as accustomed to being here as he or Anna or Dean were.

“It’s called Egyptian Ratscrew. Have you ever played it?” Cas asked. Dean and Anna looked up to see the confusion on Lisa’s face.

“Umm, no. I don’t think so,” she replied, setting her cards face down on the table shyly. 

As Cas began explaining the rules, their aunts at the other table stopped and watched the interaction. Cas was not only acknowledging Dean’s wife was here, he was actively participating in a game with her. And what was more, he was being really nice to her! They marveled at how mature Cas was, able to get over his own past in order to include Lisa in the game they were playing.

After the rules were explained to Lisa, the four began playing. And while their aunts went back to playing their own game, they silently listened and subtly watched, waiting for clues as to what had happened at the playground between Cas and Dean. They noticed everything: how normal things seemed, how there was no longer any special treatment, how the flirtations between the two were gone. With each slap of the deck, their aunts waited for Cas or Dean to react to their hands touching. But they didn’t react. No more than to squabble once or twice over who won the pile of cards. If they didn’t know any better, the aunts would think Cas and Dean were just friends. They kept quiet, not asking any questions with Lisa around; but the moment the game ended and Lisa got up to use the bathroom, the questions began.

Cas and Dean answered every question honestly: they were just friends and they had finally put their past behind them. Cas was happy for Dean, which was the truth. And Dean wished Cas would find someone nice to settle down with. And while that was not really the truth, Dean so wanted it to be. He wanted to Cas to be happy. He wanted Cas to be a father, something Cas had always wanted to be. Dean wanted Cas to find someone who would treat him right and worship him in the way that he deserved. So it wasn’t totally the truth, but it sure wasn’t a lie. Cas and Dean were finally in a place where they could be happy for each other.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The next few months went by steadily, Cas and Dean finding time to spend together regularly, even though it meant Lisa and the boys coming with them. Cas didn’t mind, he enjoyed their company and he genuinely liked Lisa as a person. He hoped that one day they might even become friends. 

But Dean minded. He never let it show, but having to share Cas with Lisa and the boys irked him just slightly. He wanted so desperately to be over that jealousy, to be mature about having Cas around and including Cas in his family’s life, but he couldn’t bring himself to grow up and act like an adult. He wanted Cas all to himself. 

Although, he had to admit how amazing he found it that Cas treated his family like any other. Cas was able to be nice to Lisa, even able to hold conversation with her one on one when Dean and the boys had to duck away for a moment. And the boys, oh how they loved their Uncle Cas! And Cas seemed to love them right back. Dean wondered how Cas could do it. Had the tables been turned and he been in Cas’s position, he didn’t know if he could be so civil. Then again, he would do anything for Cas. So perhaps it was from that emotion that Cas was drawing his strength. If he hadn’t been in love with Cas before, he certainly was now.

\- - - - -  
  


That Thanksgiving, Lisa decided to take the boys to Portland for a week to visit her family. Dean wanted to go, but work kept him home during that trip. He was only granted a four day weekend and Lisa had planned to spend eight days out West. He couldn’t blame her, really; they hadn’t gone to see her family in nearly eighteen months. And so he allowed his wife to board a plane with their sons and leave him home alone for a week. 

Dean enjoyed his first weekend alone in years. He went out with his buddies, stayed up late, and didn't worry about being quiet in the mornings or getting up in time to play with his sons. He simply enjoyed his freedom. That week, he went to work Monday through Wednesday and came home to an empty house. Unable to shut his work ethic off each evening, he found little things to do around the place, like cleaning and home repairs. He was excited to see Lisa’s reaction when she returned home with the entire ‘honey do’ list crossed off. But as the holiday hit, the empty house suddenly seemed expansive and he found himself getting lonely. He hadn’t made plans to spend Thanksgiving anywhere and the reality that he was alone in the house was sinking in. 

He picked up the phone and dialed an old familiar number. “Hello, Uncle Bobby’s family hotel. We cook, we clean, we specialize in allowing you overtake our property whenever you want. Nightly rates are as follows: weekends and holidays, no charge; weekdays and non-holidays, no charge! This is Uncle Bobby speaking, how many nights may I book you for?” he laughed at his own joke, the jubilation of the holiday evident in his voice.

“Hey, Bobby. Are you guys doing anything for Thanksgiving?” Dean asked sheepishly, feeling like he was imposing by inviting himself over.

“Of course we are, idjit. But I thought you and Lisa were in Portland.”

“Uh, no. She and the boys are. I had to work, so I stayed home,” Dean explained.

“Well, shoot, if I had known that, I would have invited you over.”

“No problem,” Dean chuckled a bit, no longer feeling so lonely. 

“Well, get your butt over here then, we’ve got a lot of work to do. There’s only about forty of us this year, if that’s all right,” Bobby said, as though forty dinner guests were nothing at all.

“Sounds perfect,” Dean replied before finishing up the conversation and hanging up. He grabbed some things around the house that he thought might come in handy, including a 24 pack of beer. He didn’t know which of his cousins would be there, but he was pretty sure he could find a few to join him for a game of beer pong or cardinal. 

 

By the time Dean arrived at Bobby and Karen's, most of the other dinner guests were already there. He put his beer into one of the coolers stashed in the garage, noting that he was not the only one to provide alcohol, and made his way inside. He managed to flag down Uncle Gabriel, asking him what needed to be done. "Ha! Everything!" was Uncle Gabriel's reply. He quickly shuffled Dean out the door and directed him to the back deck. "Table cloths," was all Uncle Gabriel said before rushing back inside to help with the set up.

Dean walked out to the deck, wondering whether he would have to hunt down table cloths or if they would be sitting out waiting for him. His answer came in the form of Cas, already busy with putting table cloths on the five tables on the upper deck. 

"Hey," Dean said shyly. They were friends once more, but this was the first time they had been alone since that day at the park in August. Dean felt a slight apprehension rising inside of him. Not apprehension at being around Cas, but apprehension about whether he would able to control himself and remain just a friend.

"Hey!" Cas greeted him warmly, flashing a sweet smile that nearly brought Dean to his knees. "Could you do the four tables on the lower deck, please?"

"Yeah. Of course," Dean replied awkwardly. He stood there for a second, looking around.

"Table cloths are already down there, sitting on the far table." Cas had known what he was thinking without him saying a word. Whether it was from knowing him so well or paying close attention to him, Cas had read him without being prompted. To anyone else, this was a sign of Cas's attentive nature. But to Dean, it was a sign of how perfect they were for each other, how they were meant to be together.

As Dean trudged down to the lower deck, Cas looked longingly after him. He hadn't meant to supply an answer to Dean’s unasked question. It had been instinct, gut reaction; a reaction that came from more than two decades of knowing someone so completely. As Dean began to spread the table cloths out over the tables, Cas found himself wanting to know more: the warmth of Dean’s body on his, the feeling of Dean’s arms wrapped around him, the bristle of the five o'clock shadow on Dean’s jaw against his cheek. SHe sighed longingly and went back to decorating the table in front of him.

From inside the house, Uncle Gabriel watched the two. "Come on already," he said under his breath, "you're supposed to help each other and fall madly back in love. What's this working separately crap?" Just then Aunt Ellen came up behind him and put her hand on Uncle Gabriel's shoulder.

"They're working separately because they're trying to resist temptation," she said. 

"Sorry. I didn't mean for anyone to hear me. I was talking to myself," Gabriel replied, shrinking under Ellen's touch.

"If they were really just friends," she continued without acknowledging his explanation and apology, "they would be working side by side. But see how they put a physical distance between them? It's because they want to be closer." And with that, Ellen walked away. 

Gabriel cursed himself under his breath, for putting Dean and Cas in that situation, for talking to himself out loud, and for getting caught. Just that summer Uncle Gabriel had chastised Dean for trying to get closer to Cas, and now he himself was pushing the two together. He liked Lisa and he certainly loved the twins. Gabriel had no intention of destroying a family. Try as he might, though, he couldn't let go of the notion that Cas and Dean should be together. He shook his head and went back to cleaning up the playroom for the kids. 

\- - - - -

As everyone took their seats for the feast, Cas made sure to sit far away from Dean, choosing to sit with the younger cousins on the lower deck in order to avoid him. They had played this game of cat and mouse all their lives, never realizing how much effort they had put into resisting the other.

After dinner, Cas went around and collected dirty dishes, playing busboy to his large family. Dean instinctively stood up and began helping him. Ignoring the suspicious looks from relatives, the two walked into the kitchen to begin a long process of cleaning the dirty dishes. 

After a few awkward moments of silence, their younger cousin Charlie walked up. "Can I dry?" the eight year old asked, eager to be of help to the family.

"Of course, madam," Cas said, dragging a chair over to the countertop for Charlie to stand on. Even though he was glad for the interruption, Cas felt himself mourning an opportunity for him and Dean to be alone. "He's married," he told himself silently, reinforcing his own belief that keeping his distance from Dean was the best thing for both of them.

As their relatives slowly filtered back into the house to allow the children to play, the men to watch football, and the women to clean, a wave of relief washed over them. Seeing Charlie helping Cas and Dean was a welcome sight to many, who had been concerned about the two spending time alone together. No longer concerned or suspicious, they let their guard down and walked away. And when young Charlie grew bored of her chore and ran off to sword fight their cousin Krissy, Dean and Cas were left virtually alone.

"Thanks for helping," Cas opened up a dialogue.

"No problem," Dean said, taking a step closer. Without looking at Cas, he leaned in and whispered, "I'd do anything for you." He continued rinsing dishes nonchalantly. 

Cas's heart fluttered. He felt his pulse surging inside of him. Despite years of fighting emotions and despite Dean being married, Cas wanted to take Dean's hand and declare his love. Instead, he grabbed another stack of plates and dunked them into the soapy water. They both fell silent as they continued about their chore. 

It was moments like these, small blips on the timeline of their lives that kept Dean and Cas hanging on, hoping for more. It was rare that they were left alone these days; so when they were, they took advantage. It might only be a few seconds, but they seized the opportunity to turn and smile an unguarded smile at each other before continuing their work.

\- - - - -

It was nearing three a.m. and Dean, Cas, Adam, and Michael were the only ones left awake. They had set up their drinking games far out in the yard, not wanting to keep their relatives awake. The quiet seclusion only added to the need for rest, and the others had long abandoned their cousins, seeking the refuge of sleep. But the foursome had stayed awake, challenging each other to drinking games and reveling in conversation. In such a large family, small group bonding had to be seized with fervor. Now that life, marriage, and children had stolen most of their time, the cousins had little opportunity to hang out together. They cherished this time, knowing how precious it was. 

Even still, Adam felt his eyelids getting heavy and his head drooping. He fought to stay awake, unaware that his brother was doing the same thing. Finally, after a few soft snores were heard from Michael, Adam decided it was time for the group to head to bed. He grabbed Dean's hand, "One, two, three, four, I declare a sleep war!" he joked. He reached down to poke Michael before heading toward the house. 

Without thinking about who they were leaving alone, the brothers headed inside, more concerned with sleep than with Dean and Cas. The two lingered behind, the alcohol in their blood clouding their judgment. They welcomed the chance to be alone, not thinking of the consequences of their actions. At that moment, all that existed was the other: the feel of skin, the warmth of breath, the need to finally have something that they had denied themselves all their lives. 

Without even discussing it, as soon as Adam and Michael were out of earshot, Dean slipped his hand into Cas’s. Cas turned and looked at Dean longingly, in a way that he had not allowed himself to look at Dean for many years now. Hesitantly, so as not to scare Cas away again, Dean pulled Cas into him. The feel of Cas’s body against his was too much, barely had their bodies met when Dean pulled Cas in for a fervent, passionate kiss. To Dean’s astonishment, Cas didn’t resist. Rather, Cas met the kiss with equal fervor, as though he couldn’t kiss Dean fast enough or deep enough. To both of them, it was utterly perfect bliss. The world around them became a blur as a lifelong desire became fulfilled. Dean finally experienced the soft warmth of Cas's skin. Cas finally felt himself surrounded by those strong arms again, with equally strong hands grasping his body. They were seized with the ecstasy of the moment, uncaring of what consequences lay ahead.

\- - - - -

Around noon, Dean began to stir. He opened his eyes, seeing his own bedroom walls. When had he driven home? As he woke further, he felt the presence of someone in his arms. When had Lisa returned? He looked down to find that it was not his wife but Cas that he held in his arms. 

His first reaction was to get away from Cas, lest he be caught in his marriage bed with someone else. But another emotion quickly took over, a lingering emotion: he felt happy and complete. Nearly three decades of torment had finally come to an end. As he held Cas in his arms, he smiled to himself. He closed his eyes and breathed in Cas’s scent, Cas’s warmth. He couldn't remember at what point they had ended up here together, nor the extent of what they had done, but in that moment it didn't matter to him. He finally had his Cas.

Beside him, Cas stirred. He opened his eyes, not recognizing the room that he was in. He tried to remember getting here. The last thing he could recall from the night before was Jo saying goodnight before heading to sleep. At that point, he had been left alone with Adam, Michael... and Dean. As Dean’s name came to mind, Cas realized where he was and who it was that held him in his arms.

Two very conflicting emotions hit Castiel: relief and terror. Relief of finally finding himself back in the arms of his beloved, finally doing the things that they had soberly fought to stay away from for so long. And terror at the realization that they had crossed a dangerous line... and that they had done so in the bed Dean shared with his wife. This was not something that could be undone.

Cas debated whether to pretend that he was still asleep or turn over and face Dean. He knew if he chose the first, he would only be delaying the inevitable. So he chose the latter.

"Hey, you," Cas was greeted with a soft whisper and a million dollar smile from Dean. 

"Hi," was all Cas could manage to say.

"Good morning." Dean kissed Cas sweetly on the forehead, letting his lips linger on Cas’s skin.

Castiel didn't say anything. He didn't know what there was to say. Now that their bodies had processed the alcohol, reason was starting to shine through. He found himself sick to his stomach, thinking about Lisa and the twins and how he had ruined their lives. 

Beside her, Dean was happy and lovesick. He was on cloud nine, suddenly seeing his life with Cas unfolding before him. He would ask Lisa for a divorce and finally be with Cas. It could work, it just had to.

After several minutes of just laying in bed together, Cas got up. "Where are you going?" Dean protested as Cas began redressing.

"To the bathroom," Cas said, heading toward the bedroom door. "I'll be right back."

"I'll miss you, my love," Dean blew a kiss to Cas as he closed the door to the bedroom. Dean lay back down in the bed, sighing happily as his head hit the pillow. He could still smell Cas on him and in the air. It was the most comforting smell in the world. 

 

After about fifteen minutes, Dean began to get worried. What was taking Cas so long? Was he okay? Did he need help? Did he regret what they had done? Dean suddenly pictured Cas curled up the bathroom floor, crying. His heart broke. He hadn't meant to put Cas in the middle of this situation. He had just needed to be with Cas, to love Cas.

Dean got up and headed to the bathroom, but the door was open and no one was inside. Curious, he made his way down the hall. As he passed each room, he peeked inside. No sign of Cas. He made his way into the living room, still no Cas. 

As he looked at the front door, he knew without knowing: Cas had left. No goodbye, no letter, nothing. Dean felt his heart literally breaking. A crushing weight brought him to his knees. He fell to the floor, weeping. In all of his life, he would never have imagined this perfect moment, the moment of finally being with Cas, ending like this. He had already been planning their wedding in his head and now he was left alone. 

After the tears cleared enough for him to speak, he went to the phone and dialed Cas’s number. It rang and rang, with no one answering. With each passing ring, Dean felt his already broken heart shattering more. Finally, Cas’s voicemail kicked in. "Hi, you've reached Cas's cell. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you when I can. Thanks and have a wonderful day!"

Dean waited for the beep with hitched breath. On one hand, he had the opportunity to make a plea. On the other hand, he was pleading to a machine, not to Cas himself. He readied himself and began speaking. "Hey, it's me. You didn't even say goodbye... Please Cas, call me back… Please. I need you. I love you. Just... call me. Okay? Please." He hung up the phone and let the tears fall again. It would be hours before he was finally able to get up and move.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Days passed without word. Each day, Dean left another message for Cas. Each day, Cas ignored him. Dean had to find a way to pull himself together. Lisa and the boys were coming home the next day and he needed to swallow his pain and put on a good face. His whole world was falling apart, yet he had to pretend like he had spent the holiday with the family, pleasant and relaxed. Had it not been for the hope that Cas might one day change his mind and return to Dean, Lisa might have come home to a dead body instead of a living husband. As he thought about his sons, he regretted the thoughts of suicide. He had so much more to live for, he had to rise above his own grief and carry on.

The day that Lisa and the boys came home, Dean vowed to let Cas have his space. He would give Cas a few weeks to cool down and deal with the situation before he would apologize and try to right his wrongs. As he laid out the plan in his own mind, he felt a small glimmer of peace taking hold inside of him. "Yeah," he thought to himself as he scooped Ben up into his arms, "I'll wait."

\- - - - -

Cas sat on the toilet and waited. He tapped his foot nervously, hoping and praying that the negative sign appeared. He dared not look at the test until time was up. As the minutes slowly ticked by, he thought about Lisa. He thought about Ben and Damien. He remembered the first time he held the boys in his arms, admiring how adorable they were, captivating them with his “magic”. 

That moment had been bittersweet for Cas. On one hand, he was so happy for Dean and so in love with those beautiful little boys. On the other hand, he was holding Dean’s children. Children that were not his, as everyone had thought Dean’s children would be. They belonged to someone else, “the other woman” as many in the family considered her. 

“The other woman,” Cas thought to himself. Though no one in the family would agree, Cas was technically the cheater, the home wrecker. Despite the history, despite the feelings between him and Dean, despite how everyone else in the family thought, an arbitrary outsider would say that he, Cas, was to blame. He had betrayed Lisa, a woman whom he had actually grown to care about. Someone he admired, not for her marriage to Dean as one would think, but for her courage, her respect, her true love for Dean. If Dean had to end up with someone else, Cas could not picture a better person than Lisa.

He checked his watch. Three minutes had passed. Three long, grueling minutes, worrying, waiting, wondering. He eyed the test, sitting on top of the toilet tank. He dared not touch it, dared not read it. He already knew. He didn’t need a test to tell him. He took a deep breath and tried to swallow. He found his throat dry. To remedy this, but mostly to distract himself from having to look at the test, Cas grabbed a cup and filled it with water. He took a long, deep swig, gulping down the entire cupful. Within a few seconds, his stomach lurched and the water, along with some other stomach contents, came back up and into the sink.

“I’m literally worrying myself sick,” he scolded himself. He finally summoned his courage and picked up the pregnancy test. 

His heart sank. His knees gave out. He found himself literally crashing onto the floor. “Positive?” he asked herself. “No! It can’t be!” He looked down at the little blue plus symbol. “Positive.”

He sat on the floor of the bathroom for nearly an hour, unable to move, unable to think. Finally, a knock at his door startled him into action. He immediately wrapped the test in a wad of toilet paper and threw it under the sink, way in the back where no one would ever find it. He took a quick look in the mirror, composed himself, and headed for the door.

The knocking only intensified as he came closer. “Just a second!” he yelled to whomever was on the other side. He finally reached the door and opened it. 

“Hey,” Dean said, standing before him looking like a scolded puppy. 

“Hey,” was Cas’s only reply. They stood there, staring at each other, for several minutes.

“Can I come in?” Dean asked sheepishly, as though Cas might actually turn him away.

“Sure.” Cas moved aside to let him in and shut the door behind him. “What are you doing here?” 

Dean paced the living room floor for a second before sitting down on the couch. “We need to talk,” he finally spoke up.

“No, we don’t,” was Cas’s concise reply.

“We do. I feel terrible about what happened! I just… I want you to know that I never intended for that to happen. I didn’t plan it.” He paused and looked down at his lap. “But when I woke up next to you and I realized what I had done, I was happy. I could imagine my life with you so completely. And I realized I made a stupid mistake marrying Lisa. I don’t belong with her; I belong with you. I always have.”

“You need to leave,” Cas said, not looking at him.

“Please don’t ask me to go!” Dean pleaded, looking up at Cas with those eyes that melted his heart every time. Cas dared not look. He knew what would happen if he did.

“What about the boys? Huh? What about them?” Cas shot at him with words, the last defense he had left. The only defense he had ever had.

“I thought about that. And I don’t know. They… complicate things. When I think about you and Lisa, it’s clear and easy to me: be with you. But when I consider the twins, not seeing them everyday, not tucking them in at night, not walking them to the bus stop in the morning… I just don’t know anymore. I can’t leave them but I can’t stay with Lisa, not after seeing what I could have with you.” He stood up and put his hand on Cas’s arm. Cas violently jerked it away.

“No! Don’t you touch me!” Cas took a step away and finally turned to face him. “You had twenty-one years to see what you could have had with me! And you ignored it! You let stupid reasons get in the way. And time and time again, I had to leave without you following me. I got on the plane without your promise of ‘tomorrow’. Or hell, even a promise of ‘someday’. Instead, I heard excuse after excuse!”

“Cas, please! I love you!” Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss but he pushed back. Dean pulled harder, overpowering Cas. Refusing to let their lips meet, Cas turned his face away and twisted out of Dean’s grasp. “Please, Cas!” Dean dropped to his knees, sobbing. “Don’t do this! I love you! I need you!”

“If you loved me, you would go back home to your wife and kids. You would go back home and keep the promise you made to Lisa on your wedding day. Until death do us part.”

“Without you, I might as well be dead,” Dean pleaded.

“Dean, your children need their father. Go home. Be a good father.” Cas walked into his bedroom and slammed the door, locking it behind him. As Dean knelt in the living room crying, Cas, too, fell to his knees and let the tears flow. 

Cas dared not tell Dean about the positive test, convincing himself it was a false positive and that he was fine. He would go to the doctor, have the blood test done, and get the real result. No silly at-home test that he could mess up. He wouldn’t tell a soul until he knew for sure.

Even still, that positive test under the counter haunted him. He knew it was there and he wanted to go see it, double check to make sure he’d read it correctly, although he knew he had. But if he left the room, Dean would try to follow him into the bathroom. Dean would beg and plead with him, leaving him no privacy to recheck the test. And he wasn’t going to pull that test out with Dean anywhere close. He wouldn’t let Dean know that he was carrying Dean’s child. He wouldn’t put him in that situation: having to choose between Lisa and 2 kids or Cas and 1 kid. Cas wouldn’t say a thing. And when he started showing and people started asking, he would make up a lie. Something about a one night stand or an old friend being in town or even say he didn’t know how it happened. Anything was better than the truth, even a stupid lie like “I don’t know”. 

Over two hours later, Cas heard footsteps and a 'click' as her front door shut. He stayed put, certain that Dean was trying to trick him, certain that Dean actually hadn't left. Cas put his ear to the door and listened, waiting for a noise, an indication that Dean was still in the apartment. He dared not risk leaving his room and running into Dean again. Hearing nothing, Cas slumped back against the door and pulled his knees to his chest. He laid his head on the tops of his knees and hummed quietly to himself, a soothing lullabye that his mother had once sang to him.

He awoke several hours later, his back cramped from leaning against the door. He opened his bedroom door cautiously and stepped out into the dark apartment. He made his way to the front door, making sure to lock it, before heading to the bathroom. Pulling out the wad of paper from the back of the cabinet, Cas hesitated. He knew what it said; he didn't have to read it again. So, instead of looking at it and throwing himself into turmoil again, he dug down into the trashcan, placing the wad of paper at the bottom. After he had some sleep, he would take the trashcan to the dumpster and be rid of it. That would buy him a few months before anyone would start asking questions.

\- - - - - 

Dean lay awake, thinking about Cas. Nearly two months had passed since they had slept together, nearly three weeks since their fight and the last time they had spoken. He had never felt this lonely in his life. Even when they were kids and had lived on opposite coasts, he had missed Cas... but nothing like this. Even the lonely drive from Seattle to Portland, after he found out that Cas’s mother had died and Cas had moved to Chicago, could not compare to the aching he felt now. 

Lisa had noticed the change in him, noticed his lack of sleep and appetite. She didn't say anything directly, but hinted around the issue. She made his favorite foods every night, hoping that he would eat enough. She took complete care of the kids, ensuring that Dean would have time to nap if he so chose. She had left pills by his bedside, implying that he needed some help sleeping. It was only a matter of time before she would ask him outright. Dean hoped that he could get better before it came to that, but he knew he never would. 

Nothing would ever be the same again. He had finally crossed that line with Cas, something he should have done years ago. He had finally told Cas that he loved him and wanted to spend his life with him. But it was too late. Cas had been right: he had said till death do us part. At the time he had meant it. He just wished he could mean it now too.

 

That night, Cas called his father in Chicago to tell him the good news. Chuck offered to move out to Massachusetts to help, but Cas refused. He insisted that he could do this one alone. And when Chuck asked who the father was, Cas lied and said it didn't matter.

"It's Dean, isn't it?" his father guessed sadly.

"I'm not going to refute that," Cas replied, letting Chuck know the truth without actually having to say it.

"I love you," Chuck said warmly. Cas smiled, knowing that his father understood, knowing that his father wouldn't tell a soul, knowing that his secret was safe. It felt good knowing that someone else knew, like a weight off of his chest.

After making plans for his father to come stay with him for a few months to help with the baby, Cas hung up the phone and curled up in bed. He ran his hands over his stomach and wondered what his child's life would be like. He hoped that he would find a good excuse to tell his child why his other father wasn't around. "I have years to think about that," he told himself. He softly hummed a lullabye to himself as he fell into a deep, relaxed sleep. It was the first good sleep he had in months.

 

\- - - - -

 

Cas waddled into his apartment, trying desperately to get to the phone before it stopped ringing. He managed to dump his bags on the couch and grab the phone in time. "Hello," he puffed, out of breath.

"Cas? Hey! It's Lisa!" It was a good thing they were speaking over the phone because Cas's face went ashen as he fell on top of his shopping bags. 

"Hey. How are you?" Cas managed to sound cool and calm. He wondered how he had pulled that off, since he was clearly in the middle of a panic attack. 

"I'm good. Listen, I hope this isn't an intrusion or anything... but, well... we miss you. We miss having Uncle Cas around. Especially the boys."

"I'm sorry. I've been busy lately." Cas was only half-lying. He was busy preparing for the baby, but that was not the reason he had kept herself from seeing Lisa and the boys.

"Cas, I know." Cas's heart sank. He sat up quickly, almost bouncing back as his pregnant belly hit the tops of his legs. "I know you and Dean are arguing about something. He's been upset for months. And you've been gone for just as long. I know that you guys were best friends when you were kids and that you're his favorite cousin, so whatever it is, you can work past it, right?"

"Oh, Lisa. I wish it were that easy. We both said some pretty nasty things. You know the Winchester temper."

"I do know. That's why I was hoping you might be the one to make amends. You're a Milton, which means you don’t have the Winchester temper. Talk some sense into him, please. For Damien and Ben's sake."

"I wish I could. I really do. I miss those boys..." his voice trailed off. There was nothing more he could say without lying. And he really didn't want to lie, especially not to Lisa. He had done enough damage in Lisa's life.

"I see," Lisa's voice got flat. Several minutes of silence ensued. Cas wondered why Lisa wasn't saying goodbye or hanging up the phone. He debated just hanging the phone up himself, but he didn't want Lisa to see it as a sign that he was shutting her out. It wasn't Lisa's fault. It was Cas's. It was all Cas's. Finally, Lisa drew in a sharp breath, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Cas said, terrified to hear the question.

"What happened between you and Dean? Not this time, but the other times. I know this isn't the first time you guys have fought like this."

"Lisa, we-"

"No, Cas. I need the truth. Dean won't tell me. But he's spiraling into this depression and I don't know how to save him. Please. I need your help. For Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologize for Mpreg. I am not a fan of it. But this is adapted from my novel, which features a hetero couple. The pregnancy is vital to the story, so I couldn't leave it out when I adapted this story.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Cas took a deep breath and drew his courage. Was it possible to explain the depth of their relationship without explaining that they were in love? Was it possible to tell Lisa about every betrayal between them without betraying Lisa herself? Cas steeled himself and began to explain. "Dean and I were best friends. From the moment we met. We would always sneak off away from the other kids to play by ourselves. We just got along better with each other than any of the other cousins. 

“When I was four, we moved to Seattle. That really affected Dean and I. When we were able to talk to each other, we made sure to share everything when we could, since we could no longer share each day together. But things always slipped through the cracks. I didn't tell him for a long time that my mom was sick. And he felt hurt by that. Just like he kept certain details of his life from me. We had promised each other that we'd go to the same college. But I enrolled in a school in Seattle so I could stay close to my mom. Dean found out, not knowing about my mom yet, and got mad. So I got defensive. And when I did tell him about my mom, I continued to be mad and refused to forgive him. Life continued like that for us. He didn't tell me about you until you actually came to visit. I guess he was afraid that him getting married would come between us. Like how some people stop talking to their friends after they get into a relationship. I was upset that he hadn't told me. That's why I wasn't at the wedding. It's all stupid things, really. Just a lot of little things building up over time."

On the other end of the phone, Lisa let out a chuckle. "You two are so alike! No wonder you're so close!" It had meant to be a joke, but it stung Cas's heart. "That explains a lot actually. Why he sneaks off to hang out with you, why he comes home upset, why you two go for months or years without speaking. I just wish he had told me before."

"Well, you know Dean." 

"Yeah. Sounds like I'm having the same problem you are right now!" Lisa chuckled again, the relief clearly washing over her. But Cas was neither relieved nor amused. He should have been relieved, by all means. He had finally given Lisa a reason to stop worrying and wondering so much. But he could never be relieved when it came to the situation between himself, Dean, and Lisa.

They concluded the conversation as though Cas had told the complete truth. Lisa had tried to beg Cas to reconcile, but Cas told her it was impossible. The relief Lisa had felt earlier turned to exasperation as she realized she couldn't win in this situation. She only hoped that, as before, Cas and Dean would come to their senses and be friends again. 

\- - - - - 

A girl. Cas stared at the sonogram and smiled. The doctor excused himself to give Cas a moment alone with the image on the screen. That was his daughter in there, too innocent to know what life had in store for her. He turned to his father, who had flown in to accompany him to this visit. Chuck smiled at him, a bittersweet smile full of joy for a granddaughter and sadness for a son.

"We need a girl's name," Chuck said to him.

Cas smiled and turned back to the screen. "Claire," he said. "It was always Dean's favorite name for a girl." Cas smile faded. He stared at the screen and tried to picture what his daughter would actually look like. "Hello Claire... Milton."

"You can't name her Claire Winchester, can you?" Chuck asked, addressing thoughts that Cas dared not voice.

"People would know," Cas answered.

"Yeah..." his father's voice trailed off.

"Claire Milton," Cas said sadly, solidifying his daughter’s name. 

\- - - - -

The following Fourth of July, Cas took several of his cousins down to the Charles River to watch the fireworks. It being a summer evening, the children were off of school and Cas had requested special permission for them to stay out until late in the evening. The parents were grateful, using the evening sans children to either relax or to have a date night. Cas was thrilled, happy to be able to help the parents, but also happy to spend time with some of the children he loved. The children were enjoying themselves, having fun bonding and spending the holiday together. Just after midnight, as the last of the fireworks burst forth above him, Cas felt a burst inside his own abdomen. 

As he doubled over in pain, his fifteen year old cousin Jess rushed over. "Cas!" she exclaimed, coming over to Cas's side. Cas knelt on the ground, breathing deeply. He was six weeks away from his due date, so the possibility that he was in premature labor terrified him. He worried about his unborn daughter and whether she was safe. "Guys, come on, let's get in the car. We have to take Cas to the hospital," Jess instructed the kids. The children, seeing the pain in Cas's expression, simply obeyed.

Cas started to get into the driver's seat, but Jess grabbed his arm. "No you don't!" Jess chastised him.

"Jess, you don't have a license," Cas replied, trying his best to ignore the pain.

"What happens on the next contraction, when you're behind the wheel and you stiffen in pain? You can't risk it, Cas, not with all of the kids." Jess gave him a look that, combined with the logic, quickly dissuaded Cas. He waddled over to the passenger seat and got in. 

"Everyone buckled in?" Cas asked, receiving affirmative replies. Jess put the car into gear and headed for the hospital.

Cas had been concerned with Jess's inexperience behind the wheel. But once they hit the streets and Cas saw how well Jess was doing, he shifted his focus to his abdomen and the pain ripping through it. He worked on controlling his breathing and keeping himself calm. 

After a few minutes, his cousin's son Ash began telling Cas a story, his small contribution to keeping Cas calm. The distraction worked, as the rest of the children became enthralled with the tale being told. As they reached the hospital, the atmosphere in the van had turned from panic to wonderment. But as Jess put the van into park, things went quickly back to panic.

What a sight they must have been as they rushed into the E.R.: a gaggle of kids surrounding a man in labor. Cas laughed to himself at how that must have looked. But as Jess explained the situation to the receptionist, Cas's amusement subsided as another contraction hi. 

As an orderly came around with a wheelchair, Cas handed his ID and insurance cards to Jess, instructing her to fill out paperwork and watch the kids. Cas handed Ash his cell phone and instructed him to call Aunt Karen first, then his father. The children did as they were told as Cas was whisked back to the maternity ward. Cas had no time to think about whether the kids were doing their jobs. His labor was progressing rapidly, which was disconcerting considering how premature the baby would be if it were born that day.

As the orderly wheeled him into the maternity ward, he was met with a team of doctors and nurses, ready to handle his emergency. He felt a small rush of relief, knowing that he was in the hands of experts. This little bit of reassurance gave him enough clarity to obey the doctors’ instructions.

When Aunt Karen arrived an hour later, Cas was already dilated 9 centimeters. Despite their best efforts, the doctors could not stop Cas’s premature labor. His water had broken and the baby was coming. The focus shifted from preventing the birth to caring for the child after its birth. Cas knew what premature birth meant: his daughter would be whisked away from him as the doctors tried to save her life. He would have to wait hours, days, maybe even weeks to hold his child. And in that moment of realization, he found herself desperately wishing Dean were by his side for the birth of their daughter. 

\- - - - -

Cas sat in the neonatal ICU, watching Claire sleep inside her plastic crib. Oxygen was being pumped in to help aide her underdeveloped lungs. She was wrapped up in blankets to help keep her warm. And Cas was only permitted to touch her after a lot of scrubbing and suiting up. 

He felt helpless. Not only helpless to heal his daughter, but helpless to cope with fatherhood alone. He had decided not to tell Dean about the baby. The reasons for doing so were numerous, but the one he kept telling himself was that he was protecting Dean and their daughter. Protecting Dean by keeping Lisa unaware of his infidelity. And protecting Claire by not having to ship her back and forth between two houses, always having to juggle holidays and special occasions. He told himself over and over again that he was doing it protect the two people he loved most. But he knew, deep down inside, that he was also doing it to protect his own heart.

 

A hand on his shoulder caused him to look up. Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby had come to see the baby. As per hospital regulations, they were wearing their gowns, masks, and gloves. They understood that they wouldn’t be allowed to hold the tiny infant, but they had come to see her anyway. Cas knew that if he had told Dean, he would be doing the same at that moment: giving up his free time to visit the child, even if he couldn’t touch him. Cas smiled warmly and hugged them both.

“She’s so tiny,” Aunt Karen said, looking through the plastic at the swaddled child. 

“Six weeks premature. She’s pretty fragile,” Cas remarked, his heart aching to hold his daughter.

“When will she get to come home?” Uncle Bobby asked, smiling at the baby.

“Could be a couple of weeks. The doctor said she’s a fighter, though. A lot of babies that come this early are pretty close to dying. But my little Claire has been strong.”

“Just like her Daddy,” Aunt Karen remarked, putting an arm around Cas.

“She looks just like her Daddy,” Cas remarked back, referencing Dean. Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby nodded, knowing without having ever been told.

“Look, Cas, I know that you chose not to tell him for a reason. And I want you to know that we respect your decision, even if we disagree with it,” Uncle Bobby told him. Cas nodded. “We won’t tell him. But we’re not going to lie if he asks.”

“Of course. I don’t expect you to lie,” he said honestly. “But you understand that if Lisa finds out…” his voice trailed off. Karen and Bobby nodded. There was no need to comment further. Everyone understood what would happen if Lisa found out who Claire’s other father was. 

“Your father should be here in just a few hours. His flight left Chicago about an hour ago but he’s got a layover in Cincinnati,” Bobby informed Cas.

“So I guess all the kids did as they were told?” Cas inquired. 

“Yes, they did. Now you should do as you’re told and get some rest. You’ll want to be awake when your father gets here,” Karen instructed sternly.

“Of course. Wait, speaking of the kids, what happened to them? Who took them home?” Cas inquired.

“Adam and Meg came to get them. Adam took the van back home, too. Thank God Jess knew how to drive, otherwise we would have been in quite a pickle!” Uncle Bobby joked, trying to make light of the emergency that had frightened them all just a few hours ago.

“She’s definitely my hero. All of the kids are. They did great! I need to take them out for ice cream or something to reward them,” Cas replied. 

“Oh trust me, their parents know and they’ve all been commended for being so obedient and handling everything so well.”

“Even still, I owe them.” Cas smiled at his sleeping child, trying not to think about what would have happened if he had been alone when the labor began. He was lucky, as always, to have such a wonderful family. 

“Look, kiddo, we just wanted to stop by and say hello. You need to go get some rest now. She’ll be just fine,” Aunt Karen said, kissing Cas on the cheek.

“Of course.” Cas walked out with Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby, pausing in the doorway to glance back at Claire’s hospital crib. Cas took a seat in a wheelchair and let Bobby wheel him back to his room in the maternity ward. They said their goodbyes and Cas laid down for a few hours, resting until his father arrived. 

Three weeks later, Claire was finally strong enough to go home. Cas still had to be very cautious and keep the house as clean and germ-free as possible, but at least Claire would be allowed to attend the August reunion. Of course, having her at the reunion would pose a lot of problems. The least of which was how to keep her away from germs with so many people around. And while Cas was thrilled to introduce his daughter to the family, the possibility that Dean would show up was always in the back of his mind.

He gingerly took the car seat out of the car and carried Claire inside, careful to keep the sun off of her. She was so tiny and fragile, yet still so full of life and curiosity. Her eyes were wide open as their relatives peered into the baby carrier. Cas was quick to remind them all not to touch the baby, but that didn’t stop people from crowding around her and cooing over how adorable she was. 

Cas was relieved to find that Dean did not come to the reunion that year. Not that he was happy to be without him, but he knew that if Dean saw the baby, he would understand the entire situation. Cas felt guilty about denying his daughter both of her parents, but he rationalized it by telling himself that plenty of children grew up in single parent households. Besides, he told herself, no good could come of people knowing the truth. Despite his guilt, Cas allowed himself to feel relief that Dean did not attend that year’s reunion.

\- - - - -

Five more years would pass without Cas and Dean seeing each other, without them even speaking to one another. Cas built a steady life for him and Claire. And while the child was small for her age, she was remarkably healthy for a child who had been born premature. She started school on time and was at the top of her class. She lacked the athletic prowess that non-premies often had, but her mental prowess was top notch. 

But her intelligence was something of a problem for Cas. Claire had figured out early on, earlier than Cas had anticipated, that their family was incomplete. She had asked Cas, point blank, where her other daddy was. Sick of all of the lies between him and Dean, Cas vowed never to lie to their daughter, though he did not tell her the entire story. Instead, he explained to Claire that her daddy loved her very much, which Dean would if he had known about the child, but that her daddy simply could not be with them. He told his daughter that there were different kinds of families. And they were a family made of a father and a daughter. He told his daughter that they were happy being a father and daughter, and Claire agreed. She accepted, without further explanation, that her other father was not a part of her life. Cas was thankful that the issue was not pressed any further. And once the tense moment of truth had passed, they went back to living happily, despite being incomplete.

 

While Cas and Claire were living their lives quite contentedly, Dean and Lisa were facing several rocky years of marriage. The guilt of his infidelity was weighing on Dean. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his wife; he did, with all his heart. But there was something about Cas that he couldn’t resist. It had been that way their entire lives. 

The change in Dean’s demeanor was not lost on Lisa. The unknown differences between them were putting a definite strain on their marriage, but Lisa vowed to stick with it, through thick and thin. She promised herself that she would honor her marriage vows, completely unaware that Dean had already broken his. And so, together, they faced several years of bitter words, periods of not speaking, and many nights with Dean on the couch. 

The tension between their parents was obvious to the twins, who asked several times whether their parents were getting divorced. Each time, Lisa and Dean explained that marriages went through bad times, but that they were not getting divorced. Each time, things improved for a week or so. But each time, the tension returned and they were left with uneasiness instead of assurance. And as the years passed, the dissonance became a way of life for Dean, Lisa, and the boys.

\- - - - -

Dean slowly got out of his car, unsure if he still belonged here. He had tried to never miss an August reunion, but six years ago he had stopped coming altogether. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there, he just couldn’t be in the same room as Cas. He couldn’t bear the heartache of Cas ignoring him, of not being able to touch Cas, of having to lie to everyone and pretend like he wasn’t still in love with Cas. After only three months of not seeing Cas, he had given up. He started looking for a house closer to Lisa’s family. He used Lisa as his excuse to get farther away from Cas. 

When the family asked John and Mary why Dean no longer came, why he had moved back West, or when the next time he would be at a reunion was, they truthfully claimed not to know. When relatives emailed him or called him, Dean offered no excuse. He couldn't find one. He didn't want to lie and make up an excuse, but he couldn't tell anyone what had happened. That would incite a huge wave of repercussions that would destroy the entire family. And so he always changed the subject or made up a lame reason to get off of the phone. Eventually everyone stopped asking. No one knew it was because of Cas. No one knew their secret, no one knew how desperately in love with each other they still were.

 

Lisa and the boys quickly scampered off, eager to find people and start the festivities. Dean sighed as he watched them running off so happily, not knowing what bombshells they might face this year. He knew that having him, Lisa, and Cas in the same house again could set off some sparks, but he had run out of excuses for why he couldn’t come to the reunions. A part of him really hoped that Lisa would find out about him and Cas. Or that Cas would finally confess his love for him and they would run away together. Or that someone in the family would slip up and call Lisa “Cas”, inciting a talk about the history between Cas and Dean, possibly upsetting Lisa, who knew nothing of their connection. Anything that would free him from his marriage and get him back in Cas’s arms. 

 

He stepped inside, his throat closing up and his heart racing. He walked into the kitchen quietly and stood back, watching everyone buzzing around, going about their regular August routine: cramped and happy. He looked around for Cas, for a sign that he was here. Dean knew Cas was in the area, maybe even lived in the same apartment, but he had no idea if Cas still came to family reunions. He didn’t see any sign of Cas, but that didn’t mean Cas wasn’t here. "Dean!!" Aunt Donna greeted him loudly, causing everyone to turn and look at him. He was immediately surrounded with relatives, unable to see beyond the sea of people.

On the couch, Cas sank down, careful not to be seen. Dean was here. His Dean. Again. Cas knew that Dean would eventually come back, but he was still unprepared for it. He had brought Claire along today, thinking Dean wasn’t going to be there. Dean hadn’t told anyone he was coming, so perhaps he didn’t even know he would end up here. 

Cas turned and peeked over the back of the couch. Dean was buried in a throng of people so Cas was unable to see him, though he could still hear Dean greeting family members and answering questions about his whereabouts in previous years. Cas quickly stood up and scurried out the door, heading toward their secret spot, a spot that Dean had long abandoned.

But Cas had forgotten one very important thing: Claire was still in the house and she still looked just like Dean. Everyone knew she was Dean’s daughter, but no one talked about it. A few people had pulled Cas aside and asked him about it and he had told the truth. They had sworn not to tell, not to let Dean know. But all Dean had to do was take one look at Claire and he would know. He would see that Claire was his spitting image in female form, he would find out who Claire’s parent was, he would calculate Claire’s age and BAM: he would know exactly when and where Claire was conceived. He would know he had another child.

 

Inside, destiny was quickly pushing Dean into the path of destruction as he headed upstairs to check on Ben and Damien. He went into the playroom and started to tell the twins to be nice to the other kids and set an example since they were older, but he stopped before uttering a word as his eyes landed on a six year old. Blond hair framed a pale, freckled face with blue eyes. He knew that face, he had looked into a mirror as a child and seen that face staring at him. He knew those eyes too: his eyes. “It can’t be!” he whispered, more to himself than anyone else.

His whispered words caught the attention of the young girl in front of him. “Hi!” the kid said cheerfully, flashing Dean his own million dollar smile. “I’m Claire.”

“Nice to meet you Claire. I’m Dean.” he replied, still not moving.

“Wanna play engineer? We can build a bridge from the blocks.”

Engineer. The phrase struck Dean funny. Did the kid know who he was? What he did for a living? Or was it just a coincidence? Surely a six year old would show a definite sign of recognition if he did know someone. Dean shrugged it off and squatted down. “Sure thing, sweetie! How do you know about engineering?”

“My daddy does it!” the girl announced proudly. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. Claire obviously knew her father because she knew his occupation. Maybe they just happened to look alike, though the resemblance was a little too uncanny for comfort.

“Oh, really?” Dean grabbed a block creation Claire had already made and started inspecting it, taking note of the composition. “Where is your daddy? I’d like to meet him and talk to him about engineering stuff.”

“He’s not here,” the girl’s tone of voice sank. “Not that daddy anyway. I don’t know him. My father says he’s busy and that we’re okay without him.” She continued to play with her toys, but something about her seemed weighed down, heavier. Thoughts raced through Dean’s mind, starting to put clues together only to reject the conclusions and start again. Could this kid be his or was it a coincidence?

“Well is your father here?” Dean asked, fishing for more clues.

“Yeah. Sure,” Claire grabbed Dean’s hand. “Come on! We’ll find him!” The enthusiastic young child ran off, with Dean apprehensively tagging along. He thought about changing the subject or yanking his hand away and refusing to follow the kid, but his curiosity wouldn’t let him. He needed to know. It would eat him alive if he didn’t find out.

 

“Aunt Karen,” Claire’s voice came from behind her, “have you seen my dad?” Karen put the lid back on the pot she was cooking in and turned around. She was just about to reply to Claire’s question when she saw who was standing next to the girl. Claire and Dean together? Holding hands? Did Dean know? Had he figured it out? And why were they looking for Cas? The entire situation was a disaster waiting to happen.

Dean saw panic in Karen’s eyes. And questioning. He wondered what it meant; still hoping he was wrong about who this child was.

Karen saw doubt and confusion in Dean’s eyes, as though he suspected but didn’t know for sure. She tried to be calm and answer Claire’s question… only she couldn’t remember what the child had asked. “Huh?” was her barely intelligible reply.

“Where is my dad?” Claire repeated patiently, smiling up at her new friend Dean. Karen looked from Dean to Claire, noting just how much they looked alike. Her heart sank, realizing that this was the first time father and daughter were meeting.

“Oh. He’s….” Karen hesitated, not wanting this situation to come to a head. But she knew it would inevitably. If she said she didn’t know where Cas was, which she did, they would simply look around until they found him. She figured there was no sense in delaying the inevitable. She looked Dean square in the eyes and lowered her voice, “He’s in your special spot.”


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

“Dad! Look! I made a friend!” Claire shouted enthusiastically. Cas smiled to himself and turned around, expecting to see two children. Instead, his breath hitched as his eyes fell upon a sight he hoped he would never see: Claire was holding Dean’s hand. And Dean looked wounded and sad. Cas dropped his head in defeat, knowing there was no way out of this.

“Sweetie, go play please,” he instructed Claire.

“But Daddy! Meet my friend!” Claire said, still smiling. Cas looked up and shook his head.

“Please go play, honey. Daddy and your friend need to talk.”

The young child looked from Cas to Dean and back again. She had no idea what was going on, but she could see in their eyes that the grown ups were being serious. She figured her new friend was probably in trouble or something. Daddy always looked that way when Claire was in trouble: kind of sad and disappointed, his voice quiet and soft. Claire knew better than to push her father when he was serious, it always made him cry. So she obediently let go of her new friend’s hand and walked away, heading off to play with her cousins.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean’s voice was filled with anger, brought on by Cas’s betrayal. Dean had never been mad at Cas, at least not legitimately angry as he was now.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cas figured he had held out this long without telling Dean, what was a few more minutes?

“Don’t fuck with me, Cas! I’m not stupid! I can see it. She looks just like me!” Dean balled his fists, trying to quell the anger rising inside of him. He had never been this angry at anyone, let alone Cas. He didn't even know he was capable of this type of rage. 

"So? What difference does it make if a kid looks like you? That doesn't mean she's yours." Cas quickly turned and headed for the house, his fight or flight reflex kicking in. He had tried fight too many times and it had never worked. He was hoping flight would. But he was only able to take a few steps before Dean grabbed his arm, jerking Cas back toward him. 

"Don't you dare touch me!" Cas screamed at Dean. It wasn't so much the pain of the tight grip Dean had on Cas, but more the fact that Dean was touching him at all that made him angry.

"I'm not letting you go until you explain what's going on," Dean stated firmly. Cas set his jaw, prepared for a battle of wills. They could both be stubborn, but Cas was definitely the more bull headed of the two. Dean looked Cas in the eyes, still fuming. Cas looked back, refusing to explain anything. Finally Dean sighed in frustration. "Damn it, Cas! Just tell me!" Dean screamed at him.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Cas responded, continuing to play dumb. 

"That Claire is my daughter. That she was conceived that Thanksgiving when Lisa was gone. That you never told me." He still had an iron grip on Cas’s arm, refusing to let go until he heard what he wanted to hear.

"Well, you're right about one thing. I never told you. I never told you because she's not yours," Cas blatantly lied.

"What?!"

"She was born on July 4th, Dean. You do the math!" 

Dean counted the months backward in his head. "October," he said, defeated.

"Exactly. October." Cas pulled his arm from Dean’s grasp and walked quickly toward the house. 

Dean stood there for several minutes, trying to understand how he could have been wrong. He had been so sure that Claire was his child. All he had to do was look at her and he could see it. Maybe he just wanted Claire to be his; maybe he didn’t want to believe that Cas would have a child with anyone else. 

Although Aunt Ellen had confirmed it... hadn't she? Ellen hadn't actually said it out loud. But her body language had given it away. Life had taught Dean that the true meaning of words lie not in what was said out loud, but rather what was left unsaid.

Then, suddenly, it dawned on Dean. Cas had been very drunk that Thanksgiving. And Cas was smart. He never would have endangered his unborn child, had he been pregnant at the time. "Maybe he didn't know he was pregnant," Dean thought. But then he realized, if the conception date were early October, Cas would have been six weeks pregnant. He would have had to have known! Dean knew that Cas was not that irresponsible. He quickly ran toward the house, knowing that Cas was either lying about Claire's birthday or that the baby had been premature. There was no way Cas was already pregnant when they slept together. 

Dean searched the house, looking in every room to no avail. He searched the yard, even going so far as to peek into every tent. He found no sign of Cas or Claire anywhere. He ran down to where everyone parked, hoping to spot Cas’s car among the others. Instead he was greeted with a glaringly obvious blank spot where a car had previously been parked. He knew then that Cas had left. Cas was avoiding him, running away from him, hiding from him. If he hadn't been sure of Claire's paternity before, he was now.

He went back inside, his soul deflating and his feet turning heavier with each step. He couldn't figure out why Cas would do such a thing to him, why Cas would lie to him, why Cas would deny him his child. He had no doubt in his mind: Claire was his daughter.

As he reached the kitchen, he spotted Aunt Karen. Their eyes met and she looked away. So many times in their lives, Cas had turned to Aunt Karen for guidance and advice. So many times Cas had asked Aunt Karen to keep things from Dean. And while Aunt Karen would never lie, she would never volunteer the information either. But now she was caught: between honoring her promise to Cas and doing the right thing. Dean could see the struggle in her eyes.

"You don't have to say anything Aunt Karen," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and crying on her shoulder, "I know Claire's mine. And I know Cas probably told you not to tell me. So don't. You can keep your promise."

"Oh, Dean! I wish he hadn't asked me to keep this from you!" Aunt Karen began to cry.

"I know why he did. I just wish he would tell me. I wish he would let me take care of them." Though Dean was the one holding Aunt Karen in his arms, it was really Dean that was being held and comforted. Not only was he dealing with the fact that he had a daughter he had never known of, but he also had to cope with the fact that Cas was pushing him away, keeping Dean out of his life. 

How things had turned so one-eighty from when they were kids, Dean did not know. It seemed now that, instead of sharing everything, they shared nothing. Dean felt Cas slipping further and further away. And he could think of nothing to bring Cas back. He felt powerless, unable to stop the cruel tide of fate from taking Cas away forever. Had he not had Aunt Karen to hold onto in that moment, Dean might have considered taking his own life once more.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

After two months of no word from Dean, Cas assumed he had given up... Until the day a piece of certified mail arrived: a court order for Claire's DNA. Why Dean was pushing this so hard, going so far as to go above Cas’s head and involve the law, was beyond Cas. He had been so sure that Dean had given up in August. But there, in his hands, was the ultimate betrayal: Dean was suing Cas for visitation rights to Claire, pending the results of the DNA test. 

Cas stared incredulously at the paper. Had it really come to this? At what point in their lives had they become enemies, fighting each other in court? Cas thought back on everything they had been through. Even knowing all of the bad times they had been through, Cas still could not understand how they had come to this point. 

Cas walked down the hallway to Claire's room. He opened the door and watched her: sitting on the floor, playing contentedly with Lincoln Logs. He smiled, seeing how very much like Dean their daughter really was. She looked up at him and smiled that million dollar smile that she had inherited from Dean. He walked over and sat down on the bed. "Come here, baby," he said to her, patting his lap. Claire obediently abandoned her toys and scrambled over to him. "I love you, you know that, right?" he asked, looking down at the only thing he had left of Dean.

"Of course, daddy. I love you, too," the girl replied, beginning to wonder where this sudden burst of affection was coming from. Cas was often affectionate with his child, but Claire could sense there was something more, an underlying reason for this particular chat.

"I need you to understand that there are some things going on, some adult things, that affect you. We have to visit the hospital to get some blood work done."

"They have to use a needle," she said disappointedly.

"Yes. They do, sweetie. But it'll be very short. Only one time. But after that, we'll have to go to court. And they'll probably ask you some questions. Just be honest with them. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Court? Like jail? Did you do something wrong?" Claire looked worriedly at her father.

"No. I didn't. The reason we have to go to court is because your other daddy wants to see you. He wants the court to know that he is your daddy so he can visit you."

"Is my daddy going to take me away from you?" She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, clinging to him as though someone was actually trying to take her away.

"No, baby,” Cas replied, tearing up. “No one can ever take you away from me. But your daddy does want you to come to his house sometimes. And I can't come for those visits. But your other dad has a wife and two brothers for you to play with. And they're very nice. And at the end of your visit with your other daddy, he will bring you back to me."

"But what will you do when I'm at the other daddy's?" She loosened her grip and looked up at him.

"I'll do fun things for me, things that you don't like. Like reading silently. I can do my reading while you're at daddy's."

"I don't have to have quiet time anymore?" Claire looked hopeful. She was a generally quiet and content child. But, being so intelligent and inquisitive, she often asked questions about anything and everything. When Cas was enthralled with a good book, he made Claire save her questions for later. Claire hated not knowing the answers to her musings, so she hated when Cas took time to read.

"Nope," Cas smiled, amused at the excitement in his daughter's eyes. 

"And maybe you can have dinner with your friends. And I don't have to sit and listen to you guys talk too much."

"Exactly! No more torture and boring discussion of 17th century art!" He laughed, knowing how much Claire hated sitting there at dinner while he and his friends chatted as they finished their meals.

"So... going to see this other daddy will be good for me AND you!" she said excitedly. 

"Yes, baby. Ye,s it will," he said, not believing himself. He was putting up a good front for his daughter, but he knew the truth: the transition would not be easy. Handing Claire off to Dean every weekend and watching him walk away with their child would break Cas’s heart. Had he been wrong to keep Claire from Dean for so long? He thought he had been protecting Dean and Lisa, keeping their marriage from failing by keeping his silence about Dean’s infidelity. But had he been denying Claire her other father and her brothers? Had he been keeping Claire on too short a leash? Underexposing her to life experiences? 

 

Dean wasn’t sure why he was even pushing the matter. Sure, he wanted to know his daughter and be there to support her. But in the back of his mind, Dean couldn’t help but feel that he was doing this to spite Cas. That he was punishing Cas for things beyond either of their control. When thoughts like that crept into his mind, he loathed himself. He had even considered dropping the case on more than one occasion. But selfish pride overrode any feelings of guilt. And so Dean told himself that he was doing it for his daughter’s sake, to give Claire a chance to know him, to see how much he loved her. And while that wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t the complete truth either.

As the court date drew nearer, Cas found himself becoming more and more resentful of Dean: seeing Dean as the enemy, instead of the lifelong ally he had always been. How dare Dean undermine his wishes and get a court mandate for visitation rights!

Even when Lisa had showed up unexpectedly all those years ago, Cas had been more hurt than angry. And when Cas had woken up in Dean’s arms the morning after Claire was conceived, Cas had been more disgusted with himself than mad at Dean for allowing it to happen. But now, with the impending custody battle looming before him, Cas began to hate Dean. For the first time in his life, his anger towards Dean was vehement, taking over every fiber of his being. And, for a moment here and there, he would find himself unable to remember ever loving Dean. 


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

On one side of the courtroom sat Cas and Claire with their lawyer. On the other side of the courtroom sat Dean and his lawyer. Cas dared not look over at Dean. He was stewing in his anger. And he knew if he looked over at Dean, his heart would melt and he would give up his fight. 

Dean glanced over at Cas, his worst nightmare coming true. He had once feared sitting in a room with Cas ignoring him. And now he was facing that reality. He had driven the final wedge between them: he had turned his beloved against him. It was there, in black and white on the court documents: plaintiff Dean Winchester v. defendant Cas Milton. Dean suddenly hated himself for doing this to Cas. Dean looked over at him, desperate for him to look back. 

As the court proceedings began, Dean nearly told the judge to drop the case. But he had pushed this far; there was no turning back. Even if he dropped it now, Cas would still never forgive him. At least if he continued with his case, he would have a chance to get to know his daughter… their daughter.

\- - - - -

Because the court proceedings took place during the day, Dean had taken time off of work to deal with the custody battle. So imagine Lisa’s surprise when she called work to speak with Dean and was told he had taken a week’s vacation. He hadn’t told her that he was taking time off. And when she asked him each night how work was, he had told her it was fine. Not once had he mentioned that he hadn’t gone to work.

Suspecting that Dean was cheating on her, Lisa decided one day to follow him. He left the house at the usual time but, as he left the neighborhood, he turned a different way. She waited two hours as he went into the library to pass the time. And finally, just before ten a.m., she followed him as he drove to the courthouse. She did her best to be discreet as she followed him to the wing of the courthouse that contained family court. “Family court?” she asked herself. “What is he doing here?”

She watched as Dean walked into the waiting room and sat down. Lisa glanced around the corner, seeing Cas sitting with his daughter. Why were Dean, Cas, and Claire at family court? And when the bailiff called them all into the courtroom, Lisa snuck in and stood in the back, careful to hide behind a pillar so as not to be seen by Dean or Cas.

“This court has heard testimony from witnesses for both the plaintiff and the defendant,” the judge spoke up. “The minor child, Claire Milton, has grown up in a happy home, despite not having his other father around. The child seems well adjusted and is excelling in school. And while it is not my intention to deny any child his or her parent, it is my intention to see that the child is growing up in a positive environment. Mr. Winchester, tell me, how do you intend to introduce this child to your wife and older children? How do you expect them to react to the news that you have a child who is the product of your infidelity with the defendant?”

Lisa gasped, realizing now why Dean was in court and why he had not told her that he was taking time off of work. Dean and Cas had a child together? Claire was Dean’s daughter? Lisa felt herself balling her fists unconsciously, but she stifled her own reaction in order to listen to Dean’s response. 

After being briefed by his lawyer, Dean spoke up. “Your Honor, I realize that my wife may have a negative reaction to this news. But as far as my daughter growing up in a positive environment, is there a more positive environment than a loving home with a loving family?”

“I would agree with you, if it were not for the issue of a stepmother who might treat this child unfairly, given the circumstances of this child’s conception.” 

“Daddy?” Lisa heard Claire speak up. “Would my other daddy’s wife be mean?”

Lisa, Dean, and the judge waited with baited breath for Cas’s response. Cas couldn’t lie to his daughter, but he didn’t want to bail Dean out of the situation he had gotten himself into. “No, baby. Daddy’s wife is a very nice lady. You’ll like her very much. And she would never, ever treat a child badly.” 

Cas looked up at Dean, seeing the relief in his green eyes. Dean looked up at Cas, seeing the defeat in his blue eyes. Dean felt sorry for Cas just then, having to admit that the Judge’s one argument against Dean having custody was wrong. Dean knew that Cas didn’t want to share their daughter, but he also knew that Cas would never lie to the child. And as wrong as it was, Dean was grateful for that.

Across the courtroom, Cas’s hatred of Dean set itself in stone. He tried to put on a good face for Claire and the judge, but he wanted nothing more at that moment than to go over and choke the life out of the man he had once loved. He was angry on so many levels: as a person who had lost a battle, as a lover who had lost his beloved, as a friend who had been turned into the enemy, and as a father who was being forced to give up his child, if only for a few days a week. He felt the hatred for Dean consuming every inch of his body. 

In the back of the courtroom, Lisa watched Cas, seeing the anger inside of him. Lisa sympathized with Cas. She, too, hated Dean in that moment. How dare he keep this from her for so long! Seven years of lies, of pretending that things were okay between them, of never telling her the truth. As she thought back on every interaction between Dean and Cas that she had witnessed, she realized that it was more than a one-time thing. Dean had always been in love with Cas. And Lisa had always played second fiddle.

As the judge awarded weekend visitation rights to Dean, Cas picked up their daughter and headed out of the courtroom, seething with anger. He didn’t even notice Lisa as he carried his daughter away from the drama that was about to unfold. 

After celebrating with his lawyer for a moment, Dean turned to head out of the courtroom. A few short steps later and he was greeted with a sight that nearly made him sick: Lisa had witnessed the verdict and the confirmation that he had cheated on her. 

He stopped short, unsure of what to do. The court’s decision was final, wasn’t it? Or could the judge change his mind, seeing Lisa’s obvious rage? Dean took a deep breath and walked briskly toward Lisa. He had to get her out of the courtroom and away from anyone who could overhear them and possibly change the verdict. 

 

As they reached the doors of the courthouse, Lisa pulled herself away from him. “Lisa, please! I know what you’re going to say.”

“You have no idea what I’m going to say, Dean,” she fumed. 

“Just please, hear me out. It was a dumb, drunken mistake seven years ago. I never meant for you to find out.”

“So what were you going to do when Claire came to visit?! Take a weekend vacation from us?!” 

“No… I… I don’t know what I was going to do. But I thought we could be a family.”

“You lied to me! You lied about going to work this week, you lied about Cas, you lied about having an affair, you lied about having another child!”

“I knew that if I told you about all of this, that you would be upset. I just wanted to know my daughter, that’s all.”

“And what about our sons? Huh? How are you going to explain Claire to the twins? Oh, by the way boys, Daddy cheated on Mommy with magical Uncle Cas and this is your new sister that Daddy and Cas had together.”

“I know. I messed up, okay? And I know I lied. And I know you’re angry. But I thought maybe we could be a family.”

“Well, you thought wrong,” Lisa said, turning and walking away. She couldn’t seem to stifle the disgust rising inside of her. 

“Lisa, please. Come back!” Dean chased after her.

“I’m filing for divorce!” she said over her shoulder. 

Dean stopped dead in his tracks. “What?” He felt his innards turning to cement, drying up inside of him. 

She stopped and turned to him. “You heard me. I’m filing for divorce. And full custody of the boys.”

“Lisa, please no. You’re angry. You don’t mean this.”

“I do mean it, Dean. You betrayed me. And the boys. You disregarded our family. You threw it all away when you slept with Cas.”

“Lisa, please. I love you. I love the kids. I can’t…” his voice wavered as the tears overtook him. He had just been awarded the right to see one child but it had cost him his wife and his other children. 

Lisa walked away without another word, leaving Dean standing there alone as his world fell down around him. 

\- - - - -

Dean had thought once he was granted visitation rights to Claire that things would improve in his life and he would be happy. Instead, the confirmation that Claire was his daughter had sent him on a downward spiral. One that he was sure would never stop. First, Lisa had filed for divorce. Then, Cas had appealed the court’s decision, citing Dean and Lisa’s divorce and the fact that Claire had grown up happily without Dean. Since the judge’s decision had been contingent upon Claire being raised in a happy home, one that no longer existed for Dean, the judge repealed his decision and awarded full custody to Cas. And, that spring, yet another judge awarded sole custody to Lisa, citing Dean’s infidelity and the fact that he had neglected to care for his other child. 

Dean was left with nothing. He had lost Cas. He had lost Lisa. He had lost all three of his children. And his spiraling depression had caused his performance at work to falter. The day that his boss handed him a pink slip, Dean packed up his desk, and headed home to an empty house. He sat his things down and stared at the small apartment that had become his home since the divorce. Unkempt and nearly unfurnished, the apartment was as empty as Dean himself. 

 

Across town, Cas sat on his couch in tears. For the first time since that fateful letter in October, he allowed himself to cry. He was grieving for the loss of Dean, for the events that had turned Dean from his beloved into his enemy. He was grieving for Claire, for the fact that he had so long denied her the right to know her father and then, when her father wanted to love and take care of her, for the fact that he had taken her father away from her. He grieved for the family, for what they all must have been feeling, knowing the events that had taken place. Lastly, he grieved for a childhood dream that had finally slipped away from him: the dream of living happily ever after with Dean. He was at the point of no return. He and Dean would never recover from what they had been through that year. And the worst part was, they had no one to blame but themselves. 

 

In her own living room, just miles down the road, Aunt Karen sat in tears as well. She felt hopeless, powerless to help two people whom she loved so dearly. She thought back on everything she had done, every promise she had kept. Perhaps if she had told Dean the truth, things would be different. But she had made a promise to Cas. And she knew that things would have turned out this way sooner or later, whether she had told the truth or not. Thirty-three years of waiting for Cas and Dean to recognize the love between them was gone. Aunt Karen felt as though she had lost a member of the family, though no one was actually gone. 

Karen nearly jumped ten feet in the air as the phone rang. She picked up the receiver, trying her best to hide the emotion in her voice. But as Mary Winchester gave her the bad news, Aunt Karen allowed the emotion to rise up once more. “I’m on my way,” she said softly, setting the phone down as though it would shatter if she weren’t careful. She headed for the door, prepared to make her way to the hospital. But before she left, she turned around and made one more phone call.

 

“Hello?” Cas said, choking back the tears.

“It’s Aunt Karen. You need to come to hospital quickly. Please.”

“What’s wrong?” Cas began to get worried. “Is Uncle Bobby okay?”

“Uncle Bobby’s fine,” Karen reassured her. “It’s Dean… he… he tried to kill himself, Cas.”


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18   
  


Cas dropped the phone, his knees giving out. His head spun, trying to comprehend the words Aunt Karen had just spoken. As he fell to the floor, he grabbed the phone. “I’ll be right there,” he said, before hanging up. As his stomach lurched, he quickly ran to the bathroom, getting there just in time.

Hearing the sound of her father getting sick and the toilet flushing, Claire emerged from her room. “Daddy? Are you okay?” 

“Maybe not baby. Listen, I need to leave you with Ms, Pamela for a while, okay? I have to go to the hospital and take care of a friend.”

“Are you going to be all right?” Claire asked, coming over and hugging Cas.

“I’ll be fine sweetie. Don’t you worry,” Cas said, trying to reassure his own self more than anything. He held tightly to Claire for a minute, as though it would help him hold on to Dean.

“I hope you feel better, Daddy. I hope you’re not so sad,” the girl said, hugging him back tightly.

“I’ll be better soon, honey. Once my friend is no longer sick.” At the thought of Dean lying in a hospital bed on the verge of death, Cas quickly stood up and began getting an overnight bag together for Claire. She dropped him off at their neighbor’s apartment, briefly explaining the situation. After Pamela graciously agreed to keep Claire overnight, Cas hopped in the car and headed toward the hospital. How he didn’t get pulled over for speeding or reckless operation was a miracle!

\- - - - -

Once at the hospital, Cas quickly found his way to Dean’s room in the ICU. He paused at the door, stunned by the sight of Dean hooked to so many machines and monitors. Dean lay in a coma, looking pitiful, like a broken shell of a person. Cas broke down in tears, still trying to fathom how things had come to this point. And as John and Mary stood up to greet him, he fell into Mary’s arms and cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” he cried.

“Hey, it’s not your fault! Do not blame yourself for this!” Mary commanded the man whom she had once thought would be her son-in-law. She held Cas and rocked him as they stood tight in an embrace.

“I just never would have thought Dean would have done something like this,” Cas said, looking at the bed in horror. 

“He’ll pull through, Cas. Don’t you worry,” John consoled him, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. A few seconds later, John joined the hug, too. They held each other in a tangle of bodies and arms and tears.

In that moment, Cas was as much a comfort to the Winchesters as they were to him. Dean’s family couldn’t hold Dean and make him better, but they could hold Cas and try to make him feel better. And Cas couldn’t have Dean hold him in his arms and tell him everything would be okay, but he could allow John, and Mary to do so. Cas looked up at Dean’s parents, whom he had once thought of as his own. “I’m sorry I never told you. About Claire, I mean.”

“Honey, we understand. You were trying to protect Dean and Lisa,” Mary replied.

“Does Lisa know?” Cas asked, reacting to the mention of Dean’s ex-wife’s name.

“We called her. But her and the boys live in Portland now. She said she would try to catch a flight out, but we don’t know when she’s coming or if she’s bringing the boys or not.”

“I see,” Cas replied, pulling away from them and going over to Dean’s bedside. He took Dean’s hand and kissed it. “Dean, baby, it’s Cas. I’m here. So don’t you dare go anywhere, okay?” 

John pulled a chair closer, allowing Cas to sit as close to Dean as possible. “I’m glad you’re here. Dean needs you right now,” John said as he helped Cas sit down.

“I need him, too. I’ve always needed him,” Cas admitted, looking at the barely-alive face of the man he loved.

\- - - - -

As visiting hours ended, the doctor informed them that only one person could stay with Dean overnight. Mary and John insisted that it be Cas to stay. After finally convincing Cas to agree with their decision, the Winchesters hugged Cas goodbye for the night, saying they would return in the morning. 

“Wait!” Cas called to them before they could head out the door. He grabbed a pen and some scrap paper and wrote down an address. “This is my neighbor, Pamela Barnes. She’s keeping Claire for me tonight. But I’m sure Claire would much rather stay with you guys,” he said, offering the paper to Mary. “I’ll call Pamela and let her know you’re coming to pick Claire up.”

“Thank you,” Mary said simply, giving Cas a kiss on the cheek. It was as though that small gesture made up for the years that she had kept Claire from them. 

“I love you guys,” Cas said. While it was nothing new to tell the Winchesters that he loved them, he meant this in a new way. He was saying he loved parents, instead of an aunt and uncle. And they said it back, as they would to a son, instead of a nephew.

 

After Mary and John left, Cas was left alone with Dean. “I wish I could tell you everything that was in my head right now. But I don’t know if I can even make sense of it,” he said, speaking to the still body in front of him. He watched the monitors as they worked, trying to understand what they meant, trying to find a sign that Dean would be all right. 

Cas cursed himself for letting it come to this. Had he known this would be their fate, he would have done things differently. He ran over the events of their lives in his head, trying to discern where they had gone wrong. But there was no one wrong turn, rather a series of gradual curves that eventually turned them around. Thoughts raced inside of Cas’s mind, consuming what little energy he had. And soon he found his eyelids growing heavy and his head drooping. 

The thought of sleeping in a chair, too far from Dean for comfort, did not appeal to him. He glanced around, making sure no one was watching him as he climbed into the bed and lay next to Dean. He put his arm around Dean and nuzzled up to Dean’s neck. And as he drifted off to sleep that night, he whispered in Dean’s ear, “I’m not leaving you, so don’t you dare leave me, you hear? I’ll be right here when you wake up and you better still be here when I wake up.” He laid a gentle kiss on Dean’s lips before succumbing to sleep.

\- - - - -

Cas awoke, stiff and sore from being in the same position all night. He looked up at Dean, still laying in a coma next to him. “Good morning, Dean. I’ve woken up, now it’s time for you to wake up also!” Cas sat up and stretched his body, letting the blood make its way to his tired muscles. “I’m going to go get some breakfast. When I get back, you better be sitting up awake to greet me, you hear me, mister?” Cas said lightly, hoping the teasing would remind Dean of happier times and bring him out of his unconsciousness. 

Cas headed down to the cafeteria alone, hoping they were open at his early hour. As he walked the silent halls, he felt the emptiness growing inside of him. He could understand how Dean could have done this. Had he not had Claire to cling to and keep him strong, Cas might have been in the same boat as Dean. 

He put the thought out of his mind as he reached the cafeteria and grabbed a light breakfast. He was starving, but food didn’t appeal to him. He ate because he had to, not because he wanted to. He fought back his own depression as it threatened to take him, telling himself that he had to stay strong for Dean’s sake. If he was weak, Dean would weaken as well. Cas paid for his food and immediately went back up to Dean’s room.

 

As he approached the ICU, he made note of the nurses busily going about their work, trying their hardest to save lives. He was glad that there were such wonderful people in the world. As though the fact that these people had dedicated their lives to helping others made all of the bad in the world disappear. Cas smiled, making a mental note to thank these nurses one day for everything they were doing for Dean.

Cas took his seat in the small chair at Dean’s bedside and began munching on his breakfast. He looked down at the blueberry muffin in his hands and jokingly offered a bit to Dean. “Here you go, adult food,” he teased, referencing the family tradition of saving the muffins for the adults and leaving the kids to eat cereals and oatmeal. Cas looked up at Dean’s monitors, trying to find a sign that things were improving. If only he knew how to read those monitors. 

After eating, he threw his trash away and leaned against the wall. He looked over Dean’s limp body, lying there so still and sedated in that bed. He seemed so tiny, so incomplete. Everything Cas loved about him was gone just then. His million dollar smile, his way of laughing about anything, his strong arms wrapped around Cas. Cas realized then that what was lying in that bed was the hollow shell left after everything else had been taken away from him. 

As the tears welled in his eyes, Cas made his way back over to the bed. He took Dean’s hand and stood over him, speaking from the heart. “You listen to me, Dean Winchester. You will wake up out of this, okay? And when you do, we’ll be together. Me, you, and Claire. We’ll be a family. Finally. I’m sorry. For everything. For always pushing you away when I wanted to be with you, for keeping your child from you, for denying myself the only thing I’ve ever wanted in life: you.” Cas let the tears fall freely, unable to stop them. “You have to know how much I love you, how much I’ve always loved you. And I’m sorry that we let stupid things get between us. I’m sorry we made so many excuses and avoided each other for so long. 

“I wish things were different. I wish I could go back in time and change everything that has happened to us. I wish I would have told you about my mother. I wish you would have told me about moving to Portland. I wish Lisa hadn’t showed up that day. I know that sounds terrible to wish that. Especially since without Lisa there would be no Ben and Damien. And as much as I love those boys and as much as I like Lisa, I just wish that things had worked out for us. I wish we hadn’t been so stupid for so many year.”

Cas was interrupted by a noise from behind him. He turned, blinking away the tears in an attempt to clear her vision. He expected a nurse or a doctor to come in and check on Dean. Instead, he was greeted by Lisa. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that some people would like the original ending and some would hate it. So the original ending is posted here. But if you'd rather have an alternative ending, with a little less tears, feel free to read it here:  
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fPSCp6_8RSulbbgsmz0fSC1lZUHFQ8XuXT-V34Bydoo/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 19

Cas gasped, knowing Lisa had heard what he had just said. “Lisa, I-“ he began to apologize, but Lisa held up her hands to silence Cas.

“It’s okay. I wish things had worked out for you guys as well. I realized that Dean and I were never truly happy. I only thought we were, you know? I think I just had this expectation of what married life was supposed to be and so I pretended that that’s what it was. But it was a lie. I realized, on the plane ride here, that he’s always been in love with you. And I’ve always ignored it. But I think I knew all along.” 

Lisa walked over to the other side of the bed and rubbed Dean’s arm. “I came here today to tell him that I forgive him. And that he can see the boys every summer. I’ll send them out here to stay with him for a while once school is out. I think I knew that you would be here, though. And it’s a good thing, too. Because I want to tell you that I forgive you. Both of you. I guess, in a way, I should be apologizing to you.”

“What? Why?” Cas asked.

“He was never really mine. I took him away from you. And, yes, I know that I didn’t know everything that was going on at the time. But if I had, I would have backed off and let you have him. Had I known how much you guys loved each other, I would have bowed out.”

“Thank you,” Cas said simply, unsure of how else to react. 

“No. Thank you. For not giving up on him. He needs you right now, Cas. You’re his strength.”

“I need him, too,” Cas said, looking down at Dean. He lost himself in the moment, staring down at the man he loved. He didn’t even notice when Lisa walked away to let them have their moment alone. He didn’t notice the Winchesters and Claire outside the room, watching the scene in silence. “I love you,” he whispered to Dean, planting a kiss on his lips. In that moment, he was oblivious to everything but Dean...

Until the sharp beep of the monitor and the shrill pitch of the alarm alerted the doctors to Dean’s heart stopping. Cas pulled his lips from Dean’s and looked up. No pulse, no heartbeat was registering on his monitors. “No! Dean, no! Come on! Stay with me!” Cas demanded. He put his hands on Dean’s face and begged him to stay. But as the doctors and nurses came rushing in, Cas felt himself being pulled away. He screamed and fought to stay with him, but it was no use. If the medical staff were going to save Dean, Cas had to let them do their job. Cas calmed himself down and stepped outside the room.

As he did, he was immediately surrounded by John, Mary, and Claire. The Winchesters wrapped their arms around Cas, allowing him to cry freely. His daughter wrapped her arms around his leg, unsure of what else to do in that moment. The child had no way of understanding the depth of what was going on, but she could see how it was affecting those around her. 

\- - - - -

Twenty minutes later, in the waiting room, Cas sat with Claire on his lap, hugging her as though it would save Dean. Lisa and the Winchesters sat a few chairs down, not wanting to intrude on the father-daughter moment. But as the doctor came into the room, the entire group stood up and came together as one: clinging to each other as they were clinging to hope. 

 

“Mr. and Mrs. Winchester,” the doctor spoke up, addressing John and Mary, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could.” And with that, the doctor stepped out of the room and left them to their despair. Castiel felt himself crumbling, both inside and out. Before he could hit the floor, John grabbed his arm and guided him to a chair. Mary picked up Claire, holding on to her now that she could no longer hold onto Dean. Lisa put a hand on Cas’s back, trying her best to be of comfort to him.

And in that moment, Claire wondered what her daddy might have been like.

And in that moment, Lisa wondered how she was going to break the news to the twins.

And in that moment, Mary wondered how things might have been different if Dean had never fought for custody of Claire.

And in that moment, John cursed himself for not checking in on his son and making sure he was okay.

And in that moment,Cas felt a very important part of himself finally die. He felt empty and hollow and consumed with grief. He wondered if the pain would ever go away. And he had no one to blame but himself. He had been given so many opportunities to be with Dean in their lifetime, but he had never allowed himself to give in to the loss of control that comes with love. Instead of reacting to Dean’s defenses with understanding, he had reacted with defenses of his own. He had always let Dean push him away, even when he had known that Dean hadn’t really wanted to push Cas away. And now it was too late. Now he would never have the opportunity to be with Dean again. It seemed a cruel trick of fate that in the moment Cas had decided to finally be with Dean and stop letting excuses get in the way, that Dean’s life had slipped from his body and he was gone. It was as though Cas was being punished for never allowing love to rule his life. After thirty-three years of loving Dean and thinking that they would be together someday, Dean was gone. 

\- - - - -

As they stood at Dean’s grave that warm spring day, looking down at the hole that would soon encase his casket, the Winchesters and the Miltons said goodbye. To a grandson, to a son, to a cousin, to a father, to a nephew, to a soul mate. The bright sun shining over them was a sharp contrast to the darkness they all felt in their souls. Cas and Lisa stood side by side, with their children, Dean’s children, in front of them. All three kids held hands, pulling strength from each other. The boys were saying goodbye to a father they had thought they would never see again. And Claire was saying goodbye to a father she had never really known. 

After everyone else had left and Mary had taken Claire, Castiel stood alone at Dean’s grave, one hand on his casket. “I love you, Dean Winchester,” he whispered, trying so hard to find his voice through the tightness in his throat. He kissed a sprig of grass, torn from the ground at their special spot, and placed it lovingly on the casket. And with that, Cas said his last goodbye to the love of his life.


End file.
